5AM Sprinklers

I didn't want to be sleeping away my last hours at WashU. I wanted to be out with someone, walking the streets, philosophizing about life, observing and apreciating every moment of the sunrise. Or better yet, I could have been up atop Umrath Hall, a terribly wonderful location to experience the dawning of a new day. The end of my freshman year... The end of my freshman year. I think I'm freaking out here. It's all just passing me by; where did it go?? That's why I didn't want to sleep, didn't want to drift through that particuar moment. But, alas my dear friends, all the friends I had immediate contact with had turned in for the night.

It was not a bad night. I shared a bed with a companion of mine for a few hours before returning to my dorm to get ready for Utrucking to pick up my storage boxes. It was comfy. Cute, even. But... I feel I've missed another piece of life.


There's plenty of people I will miss. See you all in the Fall, I hope. And maybe sooner, hm??

don't touch my frickin underwear

so I left a load of laundry in a dryer in Ruby when I went to dinner. by the time I got back someone had moved my clothes to the top of the dryer so they could use it. all I want to say is

DON'T FUCKING TOUCH MY SHIT


...
thank you
...


but, I mean, I can't really blame them. they needed to use a machine and I had left my stuff there

le sigh


still. it just makes me feel... violated. (and not at all in a good way.)


in other news, I am headed home in about seven hours. wheeeeee! glad to be done for a little bit. not long, tho. summer course. Intro to Western Art for like four to five weeks then back home again.



I FRICKIN HEART LARKIN



saw the currently mostly pink-haired princess tonight. yay. as I said, I heart her.



and, at last, a closing in honor of Alex:
ALL HAIL THE CORN-MAN!!!
....and then whip him and set him afire

break away from the mush

so I am sorry, my dear friends, to have brought so much mushiness to my recent blogs

it all still stands as I've said it, but I will nonetheless give you all a break

so, on to the point: bullshitting finals

It has occured to me that taking an exam that consists of open-ended questions easily lends itself to bullshitting
For example, I've got 20-ish minutes left and a question that asks me to trace the development of the narrative process of american cinema from early exhibition to classical hollywood style to the break-down of the classical style. In this discussion I need to mention specific examples from a certain number of films from a given list (maybe it was three out of four or some such. wtf ever). Now, I have some good ideas as to how to answer this, but am not sure that I actually have all the information I need. Maybe this is because I only did maybe two or three readings for the entire semester and couldn't always stay conscious in class... Huh... Now, my natural inclination would be to think it all through and formulate the best answer possible from what I have to work with. But no, I say... NO! This would waste time and now, after reading the question through enough to actually understand it, I only have about 15 minutes left (ish... maybe I lie...). So I just start writing and pulling examples out of the air from films on the list and from films that illustrate my points but aren't on the list (can't hurt) and I pause long enough to massage my aching hand and I just keep writing whatever comes to mind, one idea to the next and so on, and I even keep writing as my visual attention moves across the room to take in the positions of the TAs and of the professor, and to determine how many people are still examming (yes, fuck it, examming), words become a little slanted, but continue to come out. I write down to the last second and can then do nothing but hope that I've come off as... mostly competent.


I think I'll do alright overall in that class. Got A's on all the papers except the last one on which I got a B+. We shall see. And no matter what, it's done now. HEAR ME?!?!?! IT'S FUCKING DONE WITH!!!! YES!!

...
I need summer vacation
...


and I've had La Vie Bohemme stuck in my head all day
and on that note, I'll leave you

farewell all
may your final exams not kick you in the ass

this boy does it rightorhappy to just be

so... I'm happy right now

pretty damn tired, but happy

My day began with a call from a friend, an invitation to lunch off campus. hell yes.
then it was off to target to waste time and buy a couple odds and ends. for me, that meant Uno cards. woot!
then some general hanging out and some studying and such
then it was final Center Court dinner with an amazing group of people

and as fullfilling as that all is, it was only a pale prelude

my day was made one of the most enjoyable in recent memory by the actions of one young man between the hours of 10-ish and 1-ish

he's...just...beyond words

or at least beyond those I would so flippantly put out into the ether

he just... makes me happy. pretty much consistantly. and if that's not something everyone's looking for, I don't know what the fuck is.



so, who cares what lies in the future, I'm just happy to be where I am right now. happy to just be.

I don't know what I wantorthe ocd blogger

so it's 2am and I've gotta go in to work at 10 and so I'm lying in my fave sleep position, getting all ready to drift off when I start thinking about what I want to put in my next blog entry

that's it

nothing to be done about it

once that sort of thought crosses my mind, it seems I cannot do anything else (including sleep) before I make that entry

so here I am, tired and o/c and blogging
here goes

***

I don't know what I want

you know what I'm talking about


you're definitely not alone there

fear of fucking things up? yep. sure. that as well.

but here's the important part:

I'll do it anyway


better to have chased a dream than never to have dreamed at all


and really, I just want to have some fun
no ridiculous complications. no restriction for the sake of restriction. and no expectations. take it when it comes as it comes.

first drunken post

so... ariel has a higher alcohol tolerance than me, and somewhere along the lines I decided to take a shot every time ariel did.

hmm.

so now my tongue is numb.

my lips are numb.

my toes and fingertips are numb.


and, above all, I'm making less and less sense as I go along.
so I will sleep now.



goodnight all

I laugh in the face of sleep

so... it's about 6 in the moring


I wholly intend to stay awake for probably the next 3 hours, depending on when Dunker opens

of course, as has been my luck, I had some issues with getting my final RSP for ecomp done

ok, ok, so if I had worked on it more earlier, it wouldn't have been an issue. but the point is, I went to bed at about 8am yesterday morning and intended to sleep for an hour or two at the most, at which point I would get up, print out my film paper to be turned in by noon, and finish up my RSP before the 4:30 deadline. I had my alarm set and everything. My brain had other plans, however, for it seems that when my alarm went off I merely shut it off and went back to sleep. I ended up waking up at 1:50. So now I'm thinking, "great, my film paper is late and I don't have enough time to totally finish up my RSP." So I rush off to the arc, hoping beyond hope that I"ll find an open computer so I can print my paper. after standing around for a bit and getting decidedly nervous, I begin to run through possible courses of action, one of which involves me momentarily taking over the computer of a person who must have stepped out to go to the bathroom or something (they were not there, but their belongings were). I was not feeling quite up to that, so I started to head out, thinking I might somehow find a computer and printer elsewhere that I could use. as it worked out, in moving toward the door I spotted a former RA of mine and practically begged her to let me borrow the computer she was on just long enough to print something. she, thank God, allowed me the momentary use of her computer.

at this point it was surely 3 or so, and I headed toward the film and media studies offices in mallinckrodt. (ran into larkin when leaving the arc. she seemed a little out of it. hope she's doing alright.) so I went up to mallincrodt 3 and, perhaps luckily for me, I met up with professor Paul and he said he wouldn't count off for the paper being a few hours late.

yay

so then I finally rushed back to my room and work on my RSP

as was expected, I did not finish it in time

it is done now, at least, so that's good, and I'm sort of hoping that if I get it in really early then my ecomp professor might not take off points

hey, a girl can hope, right??

so... yeah... I think I had a point in here... something about sleep
oh, yeah.
so now that I have a total lack of faith in my ability to wake up after only sleeping a few hours in the preceeding 24 hours, I've decided to stay awake until I can head to main campus and turn in my RSP. this, of course, would be much easier if I had any idea about the time at which buildings open in the mornings. as it is, I plan on heading to main campus at 7:30 and I'll keep trying the doors until I'm let in.

and thus, here I am, "laughing in the face of sleep"

this is sleep: "I'll get you my pretty! And your little dog too!! (...wait, make that goldfish, not dog... I do live in a dorm, after all.)
and this is me: "hahahahahahahahahahahahaha.......HA"

silly sleep. watch out or I might drop a house on you! bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!
...


so yes,
things I have done in the past few hours to remain conscious
>eat some crackers
>play bejeweld
>drink a soda
>play online Boggle and Sorry
>paint my fingernails yellow with green dice spots (1-5 on each hand, obviously)
>read some emails
>WRITE IN MY BLOG

But, on that note, I will now move on to other things, as I'm beginning to grow bored with this and thus beginning to grow tired


tune in next time all
and see if I've slept yet

note to self

do not piss aarthi off and then leave her to her own devices

she will, I repeat WILL do something stupid


and hun, if you ever read this, I'm sorry, but what you did was stupid and childish. I understand the need for attention, but that doesn't justify acting out like you did

and I tried to make ammends. I was going to give you a hug and say I was sorry and we could have worked through it. But when you push me away in anger like that, I'm likely to, more often than not, walk away and leave you alone for a while

I heard the WUPD police make their way up the stairs, knew they were going to find you. I followed, thinking you might want someone on your side, even tho you had just pushed me away mere minutes ago. but you were gone. I couldn't even be worried. I was just so upset that you would go to such lengths just to get attention. Seriously, you need to realize how unhealthy that sort of stuff is.


We're all too tired and burned out for this.

want to dance in the rainorI've gotten post-happy

so this is what, my fourth post today? I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can't help myself.

it's going to rain and I love it. I love the sound of thunder as it rolls gently through my brain. the flash of blinding light to shock. the sound and sight of destruction far enough to be admired and close enough to frighten the weak at heart.

I want it to rain and I want to play in it. I want to get drenched to the bones and laugh as I embrace the cold wetness.

And Lord help the romantic in me, I want to kiss him, devour him under the ripped-open sky as if today were indeed our doomsday.


...


did I mention I was crushing?

fucking tired

I did that whole 'stay up intending to work but just keep goofing off and instead simply deprive myself of sleep' thing. I did, however, manage a few hours of sleep, and now I have a plan.

I will go to the ALA meeting (sad that the first one I can make it to is the last one) then head to the Arc, write my film paper, hopefully in the three hours you get with a reserve dvd, and then head back here for a bit more sleeping before attempting once more to revise my RSP.

Somebody out there better be praying for me, cause Lord knows I need it.

love to all, and until next time

facebook debate

So, evidently there's a Facebook group with a whopping 4 members called "I Don't Support GLBTQIA." It's at
http://wustl.facebook.com/group.php?gid=2200167727

Being the sort of person I am, in reading a post by the creator, I found myself simply itching to reply, so I joined the group long enough to post and here is the result. Am I just out of my mind here or do I know what I'm talking about?

*********************************************

Kristal Matlock wrote on May 13, 2005 at 5:35 PM

I'm a fairly conservative person and I feel like I deserve to have an opinion too. I don't support GLBTIQ because of my faith. In the Bible it says that homosexual activity is wrong and unnatural (Romans 1:18-32). This denounces the activity not the person. I try to treat everyone with respect and kindness. That does not mean I have support your views. I just want to be heard like eveyone else. This is not a personal attack, just a way to show the other side of the issue.

*********************************************

Post #2
1 reply
You replied to Kristal's post on Apr 18, 2006 at 2:51 PM

An engineering professor is treating her husband, a loan officer, to dinner for finally giving in to her pleas to shave off the scraggly beard he grew on vacation. His favorite restaurant is a casual place where they both feel comfortable in slacks and cotton/polyester-blend golf shirts. But, as always, she wears the gold and pearl pendant he gave her the day her divorce decree was final. They're laughing over their menus because they know he always ends up diving into a giant plate of ribs but she won't be talked into anything more fattening than shrimp.


Quiz: How many biblical prohibitions are they violating?

Well, wives are supposed to be 'submissive' to their husbands (I Peter 3:1). And all women are forbidden to teach men (I Timothy 2:12), wear gold or pearls (I Timothy 2:9) or dress in clothing that 'pertains to a man' (Deuteronomy 22:5). Shellfish and pork are definitely out (Leviticus 11:7, 10) as are usury (Deuteronomy 23:19), shaving (Leviticus 19:27) and clothes of more than one fabric (Leviticus 19:19). And since the Bible rarely recognizes divorce, they're committing adultery, which carries the rather harsh penalty of death by stoning (Deuteronomy 22:22). So why are they having such a good time? Probably because they wouldn't think of worrying about rules that seem absurd, anachronistic or--at best--unrealistic. Yet this same modern-day couple could easily be among the millions of Americans who never hesitate to lean on the Bible to justify their own anti-gay attitudes.

"The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and three hundred sixty two admonishments to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals. It's just that they need more supervision." Lynne Lavner

*********************************************

Post #3
1 reply
Andrew Wong replied to your post on Apr 19, 2006 at 10:38 PM

I agree with you that there are some commands in the Bible which seem silly to us now, but which may have made more sense back then. There are also some commands which still seem pretty relevant - basic things like "Don't kill," and "Don't steal," which are shared by some other world religions and most governments. I think what you're getting at, though, is not this theological debate. (There are various reasons Christians are no longer bound by some commands. Some only applied to certain peoples, for example. Other things were changed by the New Covenant). Now I may be wrong, but I don't think that stuff is really all that important to you, since this is a group about GLBTIQ matters and not a religious group. The thing is, the Bible says a lot, some of it you might not agree with, some you might. I think it's arbitrary to throw the condemnation of homosexual sex into the "irrelevant category" just like that. That's the way it seems to me. I can elaborate on why I think homosexuality is addressed in the Bible as something which is still relevant for us, whereas some of those things aren't, but if I had to guess, I would say that's not your point.

I think a better way to talk about the issue might be to leave the Bible out of it, since I don't think you and I regard it in the same way. There's no common ground there, so it's pointless to try to stand on it. If we do leave the Bible out, if we remove that as a thing for millions of Americans to lean on, then I think there's still something else. I think a lot of Americans, when talking about homosexual sex ask, "What's good for our country? Our community?" There are some inherent health risks to homosexual activity which can't be made safe. They can be minimized, and that's good, but the risk can't be removed. Now this has nothing to do with homosexuals themselves. Homosexuals are to be respected as the human beings of dignity and worth that they are. But the practice of homosexual sex simply entails health risks, and these risks are shared by everyone. No matter how much homosexuals _don't_ want AIDS to be spread to non-homosexuals (and I don't doubt that we're all against the spread of AIDS), the fact we can't deny is that homosexual activity harms others in this way. I think that reasonable people on both sides of the issue sincerely wish this weren't the case, but it is, and we can't ignore it. I'm not saying we ought to outlaw homosexuality because it presents health risks to the public, but at the same time I don't feel compelled to encourage it. That's why I'm a member of this group.

PS - The little story is actually very, very funny. I laughed out loud when I read it. I'm not gonna lie. Of course I don't agree that all the rules in the Bible are absurd and everything, but it's still very clever. I DO agree with that quotation by Lynne Lavner. Heterosexuals probably do need more supervision, and certainly just as much, if not more, forgiveness.

*********************************************

Post #4
You replied to Andrew's post 4 minutes ago

I feel that you're a genuinely good person and I fully respect your obvious intelligence, ability to argue effectively, and friendly demeanor.
I just wanted that said.

But to my point, I did not mean to say that the Bible is absurd. I was raised Christian and have often found much needed clarity within its pages. I only meant to suggest that one should not denounce something solely on the basis that scripture says it is wrong. This suggests a blind following which is never good in the long run. That is one of the reasons I respect you; I can tell by the way you present your views that you have indeed put thought into them.

As to your case here, you make very good points, and yet I cannot wholly agree. Plainly, I resent the modern spread of AIDS being blamed on "homosexuals." Being gay does not equal having AIDS and having AIDS does not equal being gay. It just doesn't add. Is non-monogamous sex a bit more risky? Sure. Of course. But it is just as easy for a straight person to sleep around and spread STDs as it for a gay person to do so.

On this same vein, I wonder at your overall message here. You state that you would not wish to outlaw homosexuality (which is good since it would involve quite an intrusion on personal life by the government, and would be terribly hard to enforce besides). You seem have this feigned passivity about the subject, isisting that it is only that you "dont feel compelled to encourage [homosexuality]," which your arguments and your very membership in this group seem to speak against. This statement is passive, undeniably meant to disarm your opposition by giving them something they cannot argue with. I certainly cannot find anything wrong with simply refraining from encouraging something. Yet you are obviously actively discouraging both homosexuality and any future possibility of widespread societal acceptance of such, which I cannot so easily accept. The negative attitudes and fears concerning homosexuality that you express here are exactly what keeps the hate and fear and violence going.

Don't you see? Without true acceptance, free of stigmas such as homosexual=AIDS carrier, there cannot be peace. Homosexuals will remain homosexual. They will keep falling in love. And yes, they will keep having sex. And people will go on hating them and hurting them, if for no other reason than for the very fact that they were told that such people spread AIDS and are a risk to society. Whatever risk does exist (which I will again mention cannot be laid on the shoulders of homosexual individuals alone) will not go away by merit of your disapproval. So either we can all sit around with our respective views, passive-agressively approving or disapproving, or we could actually do something about it. So if you're not going to outlaw extra-marital sex (which we have established is pretty much impossible and undesirable in practice) and you want to continue the claim that a threat to society does exist, then perhpas you should give a thought toward making this world safer for homosexuals, making it a place where they can live and marry just like anyone else. I do not, quite obviously, think that you would devote your energies to such a thing. Which leaves you with an issue and no firm solution. Not quite a comfortable place to sit for one who actually cares about the state of our society and country as a whole.

That is really what this is all about for me. I support GLBTQIA because in lack of any support, these individuals will keep on existing and will be subject to years upon years upon decades of ill-will, stigma, and violence. I know you do not support such things; I would not even attempt to suggest you might. I know we reach an agreement on the idea that all of Gods' children deserve to be loved and protected right where they are in life at all times in life. I'm not asking for you to join the fight. I'm not asking you to give up your beliefs. I'm not asking you to support something you don't belive is right; certainly not. But I find it very important for you to realize that the sort of things you say in any kind of public setting which promote homophobic ideas can be very actively harmful to the innocent members of GLBTQIA communities as well as anyone perceived (correctly or otherwise) to be associated with those communities.

getting what I want

attention

I love attention

I have this undeniable need for it


More so some times than others
And right now I'm craving it like a pregant woman craves pickles
...or...something

So, I've discovered that when I want attention and I don't get it, I tend to crawl into this hole of self-doubt
It is sad and immature, I know, but there it is
And once in this hole, I seem to work against getting out. I might be irritable or I might avoid people or i might refuse to apreciate the up-sides. And this sucks

Sucks, I say!


On a slightly unrelated note, I'm crushing.

Oh yes, my friends, I've done it again.
And this time it's just a little silly.
I mean, the semester is OVER. We're all going home for three months. What The Hell Am I Doing?!?!?!

I don't know
I don't know

But I see a possibility here, and I think it could be a lot of fun.
I suppose I'll just have to see come next Fall.



-love to all those who will take it
and a prayer to all those who will not-

kites on the swamp and music in my head

ok... so there's only one person flying a kite out on the swamp, but the plural form is much more poetic

I've been done with classes for over 24 hours and I've yet to work on either of my papers. I don't really have time to goof off, but all I've got in my head is thoughts of music and playfulness, kites and RPGs, sensation and sex.

This is not productive...


random poetry:

scars across my face
and unseen imperfection
hold me here

and yet I thank God

run the distance
forgetting what I lack
creating what I need

and together, fall

film paper, ecomp rsp final draft, and too much damn reading

so.... I sorta got distracted early in the semester when I was an assistant stage manager for WashU's PAD production of Much Ado About Nothing. and.... I sort stopped doing readings... like... entirely

so this is bad

I have a final exam in film and I haven't read anything since... oh I don't know... February

again, bad

tho I have done very well on the papers

then there's the optional final for my psych class, which I REALLY need to take. and again, no reading in quite a while

then there are the papers, as listed in the title, both due on Monday.


so why am I sitting here, you ask? why am I not in the library working my butt off?
because I am a sad individual
and almost entirely unmotivated to work right now

but hey, at least I'm not on Facebook right now
*note to self: check Facebook*


on another note, WILD is this Saturday. woot! I hope it's a good time. and I'm hoping that I will greatly enjoy Ben Folds' performance.

so, anyway, I will be heading back home to Texas mid day on the tenth. but I will be back! oh yes. summer session 2, baby. intro to western art from June 12 to July 14. I will be staying on campus, so any and all who might be in the area are very much welcome to come and visit; I'm sure I'll have plenty of time on my hands.


hmm...
*looks out dorm window*
there seems to be a mighty commotion out on the swamp
blaaaaahhh!!
I WANT FRIVOLOUS HUMAN INTERACTION DEVOID OF GUILT FROM ACADEMIC OBLIGATIONS

............

I have a paper to write.... crap...

pity me

or provide me with a party scene
either way


until next time, all

brainchild lost

so, call me a terible copycat, but upon reading a few of my friend's blogs, I've decided to create my own center for self-indulgent rambling

and perhaps it's not really such a good idea, since the semester is almost over and I will be returning to middle of nowhere, tx, where I have no home internet connection. sad, I know

but for now, here I am.

I don't know what to say for myself, other than that I am brainchild lost. creative? sure. intelligent? so they tell me. my main downfall? sometimes I'm just plain lost. expression so true and genuine sometimes just comes out like total and utter crap.

well fuck it, I don't care. personally, I'd like to believe that someone out there will find me interesting. someone will read my ramblings and might just possibly find them interesting. might actually want to get inside my head

I'm just looking for a willing audience


so, yes, a bit about myself, then, shall I?
I'm a college freshman, just finishing up my second semester
plan on majoring in psych (can I climb in your head some time??) and theatre design/tech
only child from a lower middle class family, trying desperately to make it at a highly selective private university

on that note,

why the fuck did I choose to go to such a difficult school?
neither of my parents even got a BA
hell, my mother wouldn't touch college with a ten-foot pole
all I had to do was go to any university and I'd be better off than them

so why here?
why am I working my butt off?

I know why
Just to be able to say I did it
It's some sort of badge of honor for me to be here
And if I fail?
Well let's just assume that I won't

well, that's really all I've got for now

tune in next time for another wonderful installment of brainchild lost