My most recent ex is still an ass and I still cannot fully overlook his actions (no matter how he justifies himself and perhaps becasue of the way he justifies himself), but I will be civil and I will be nice and I will try to make things work to whatever degree possible.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Communication is key. A note for all my sisters.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
There is a girl who lives in the room that has a window directly across from mine that seems to like walking around in a semi- or fully naked state with the blinds open.
Um....
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
Fiddler is going well and still has one more weekend of shows left. Buy your tickets before they sell out.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
There are giant holes on campus. This makes me unhappy.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I want to sleep more.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I want to put life on pause.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I've developed a rain cloud over my head that keeps blotting out the sun.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
I love my parents. Lots.
~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-
And that's pretty much it for now.
Live well.
Monday, October 30, 2006
Elements of the Past
I found this when sifting through my old MySpace blogs. This is from over a year ago and it's so weird to read it now and think about how important it all seemed and how much I really felt the things I had written. Now it's almost as if it all happened to someone else, as if I'd only read about it in a book.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
A Lonely Tear
I breathe your name into the northerly winds,
and though the sound is stolen from my lips,
I fret not.
For I know that same wind
will caress your very face this night as you lie out under the stars,
contemplating your escape.
And so my heart will reach out to yours
in those shared stars
and in that northerly wind,
and when a lonely tear falls from your eye,
it will be my hand that brushes it away
and my voice that calms your torrential emotions.
For I am yours and you are mine.
And though it may appear
we have been ripped apart,
the truth of our souls shall disprove it.
We are one in the very core of our beings.
One will never exist without the other.
So it has been since before time first ticked,
and so it shall be until all things are ended.
And so it shall be.
Thursday, July 07, 2005
A Lonely Tear
I breathe your name into the northerly winds,
and though the sound is stolen from my lips,
I fret not.
For I know that same wind
will caress your very face this night as you lie out under the stars,
contemplating your escape.
And so my heart will reach out to yours
in those shared stars
and in that northerly wind,
and when a lonely tear falls from your eye,
it will be my hand that brushes it away
and my voice that calms your torrential emotions.
For I am yours and you are mine.
And though it may appear
we have been ripped apart,
the truth of our souls shall disprove it.
We are one in the very core of our beings.
One will never exist without the other.
So it has been since before time first ticked,
and so it shall be until all things are ended.
And so it shall be.
Wednesday, October 25, 2006
Playlist and Random Post-Script
I think I'm going to try and put up a monthly playlist. That is, songs that I have been listening to a lot within the preceding month. So yay; here's October. (Title ~ Artist ~ Album)
1. Cool Blue Reason ~ Cake ~ Prolonging the Magic
2. Pop Song 89 ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Punk Goes 80's
3. Happy Endings ~ The All-American Rejects ~ The All-American Rejects
4. I Melt With You ~ SUGARCULT ~ Punk Goes 80's
5. Such Great Heights (Remix by John Tejada) ~ The Postal Service ~ The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - EP
6. The Power of Love ~ Huey Lewis & The News ~ Greatest Hits: Huey Lewis & the News
7. Let's Pretend ~ No Fi Soul Rebellion ~ Let's Pretend - Single
8. Holding Out for a Hero ~ Frou Frou ~ Shrek 2 (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture)
9. Video Killed the Radio Star ~ The Buggles ~The Age of Plastic
10. I Melt With You ~ Bowling for Soup ~ Bowling for Soup Goes to the Movies
11. Why Worry ~ The All-American Rejects ~ The All-American Rejects
12. You Spin Me Round ~ Dead or Alive ~ Evolution: the Hits
13. Your Love ~ The Outfield ~ The Outfield: Super Hits
14. Invisible Monsters ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Commit This to Memory (Deluxe Edition)
15. Underwater ~ Switchfoot ~ The Legend of Chin
16. Nothing Better (Styrofoam Remix) ~ The Postal Service ~ We Will Become Silhouettes - EP
17. Forever Young ~ Rod Stewart ~ The Very Best of Rod Stewart
18. You Spin Me Round (Radio Version) ~ Dandoo ~ You Spin Me Round - EP
19. I Melt with You ~ Modern English ~ The Best of '80s Pop: Party Songs
20. 99 Red Balloons ~ Siobhan DuVall ~ STAR
21. Modern Chemistry ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ I Am The Movie
22. Power of Love ~ The Early November ~ Punk Goes 80's
23. Resolution ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Commit This to Memory
24. 99 Luftballons ~ Stefanie Praytor ~ Sugar Storm
25. Gotta Have You ~ The Weepies ~ Say I Am You
I might never do this again... but we'll see.
So yes, the post-script:
My name does not, in fact, by virtue of its spelling, reference any form of precipitation. If anything, it references mysticism or some such. So there.
1. Cool Blue Reason ~ Cake ~ Prolonging the Magic
2. Pop Song 89 ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Punk Goes 80's
3. Happy Endings ~ The All-American Rejects ~ The All-American Rejects
4. I Melt With You ~ SUGARCULT ~ Punk Goes 80's
5. Such Great Heights (Remix by John Tejada) ~ The Postal Service ~ The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - EP
6. The Power of Love ~ Huey Lewis & The News ~ Greatest Hits: Huey Lewis & the News
7. Let's Pretend ~ No Fi Soul Rebellion ~ Let's Pretend - Single
8. Holding Out for a Hero ~ Frou Frou ~ Shrek 2 (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture)
9. Video Killed the Radio Star ~ The Buggles ~The Age of Plastic
10. I Melt With You ~ Bowling for Soup ~ Bowling for Soup Goes to the Movies
11. Why Worry ~ The All-American Rejects ~ The All-American Rejects
12. You Spin Me Round ~ Dead or Alive ~ Evolution: the Hits
13. Your Love ~ The Outfield ~ The Outfield: Super Hits
14. Invisible Monsters ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Commit This to Memory (Deluxe Edition)
15. Underwater ~ Switchfoot ~ The Legend of Chin
16. Nothing Better (Styrofoam Remix) ~ The Postal Service ~ We Will Become Silhouettes - EP
17. Forever Young ~ Rod Stewart ~ The Very Best of Rod Stewart
18. You Spin Me Round (Radio Version) ~ Dandoo ~ You Spin Me Round - EP
19. I Melt with You ~ Modern English ~ The Best of '80s Pop: Party Songs
20. 99 Red Balloons ~ Siobhan DuVall ~ STAR
21. Modern Chemistry ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ I Am The Movie
22. Power of Love ~ The Early November ~ Punk Goes 80's
23. Resolution ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Commit This to Memory
24. 99 Luftballons ~ Stefanie Praytor ~ Sugar Storm
25. Gotta Have You ~ The Weepies ~ Say I Am You
I might never do this again... but we'll see.
So yes, the post-script:
My name does not, in fact, by virtue of its spelling, reference any form of precipitation. If anything, it references mysticism or some such. So there.
Monday, October 23, 2006
how I'm doing
How am I doing, you ask??
I just spent about 28 out of the last 48 hours in a theatre doing tech for Fiddler on the Roof.
How do you think I'm doing?
I just spent about 28 out of the last 48 hours in a theatre doing tech for Fiddler on the Roof.
How do you think I'm doing?
Monday, October 16, 2006
Sunday, October 15, 2006
Thoughts on Sunday, October 15
On Charlotte
First, I laugh at the heading.
^_^
Ok, I'm done.
Second, I met Charlotte Friday night at TKE. She seems cool and I give her two thumbs up. I do, however, feel a little embarrassed that I shamelessly made out with her in the middle of the TKE dance floor... with three of my Mu Phi Gamma sisters not but a foot or so away... It was tasteless on my part, and I apologize. Oy...
But at least I had a good time...?
Oh yeah! And she plays guitar, so she gets an automatic 20 points. Like, fucking hell, that's hot. That's assuming, of course, that she plays well; I only know that she plays.
On The Autism Walk
I got out of bed at 8 o'clock on Saturday, braved the 40 degree weather, and participated in the Autism Walk with four other Mu Phi Gammas. There was plenty of free food and drink and it was charitable, so it's good.
The best part of the walk, however was when one of my MPG sisters, Beth, posed the following question, "If there's drunk and not-drunk = sober, then what's not-high? Cause you can't say clean, cause then people think you've recently bathed, or that you haven't gotten a venereal disease in the last two months. So how do I describe the situation for where I'm drunk, with a venereal disease, but not high??"
On MPG At Beta 4Square
We suck... and that's kinda all there is to it. Most members of our two teams had never even played 4square before, and one of our members has a broken foot. Maybe this should excuse our failure... maybe. Either way, both of our teams lost all three games each played today. Sadness.
On Writing
I used to be prolific writer, but now... I just can't for the life of me sit down and write a story. WTF? School has destroyed me.
On Wet Paint
I walked through the underpass on the way back from Beta 4Square at the AC and smelled the old familliar smell of wet paint. I quickly realized that the smell reminded me of high school (specifically of painting sets in the school theatre on Saturday). And it reminds me of my old friends, the drama group. That is to say, the group of people that always got cast in every show, those of us who hardly knew what to do with ourselves when, for the short time between shows, we didn't have rehearsal after school. I feel like it was all so much simpler then.
Hahaha. And all that from paint fumes!
I should try to work on my story before my MPG formal chapter meeting. Le sigh. Rock on, all.
First, I laugh at the heading.
^_^
Ok, I'm done.
Second, I met Charlotte Friday night at TKE. She seems cool and I give her two thumbs up. I do, however, feel a little embarrassed that I shamelessly made out with her in the middle of the TKE dance floor... with three of my Mu Phi Gamma sisters not but a foot or so away... It was tasteless on my part, and I apologize. Oy...
But at least I had a good time...?
Oh yeah! And she plays guitar, so she gets an automatic 20 points. Like, fucking hell, that's hot. That's assuming, of course, that she plays well; I only know that she plays.
On The Autism Walk
I got out of bed at 8 o'clock on Saturday, braved the 40 degree weather, and participated in the Autism Walk with four other Mu Phi Gammas. There was plenty of free food and drink and it was charitable, so it's good.
The best part of the walk, however was when one of my MPG sisters, Beth, posed the following question, "If there's drunk and not-drunk = sober, then what's not-high? Cause you can't say clean, cause then people think you've recently bathed, or that you haven't gotten a venereal disease in the last two months. So how do I describe the situation for where I'm drunk, with a venereal disease, but not high??"
On MPG At Beta 4Square
We suck... and that's kinda all there is to it. Most members of our two teams had never even played 4square before, and one of our members has a broken foot. Maybe this should excuse our failure... maybe. Either way, both of our teams lost all three games each played today. Sadness.
On Writing
I used to be prolific writer, but now... I just can't for the life of me sit down and write a story. WTF? School has destroyed me.
On Wet Paint
I walked through the underpass on the way back from Beta 4Square at the AC and smelled the old familliar smell of wet paint. I quickly realized that the smell reminded me of high school (specifically of painting sets in the school theatre on Saturday). And it reminds me of my old friends, the drama group. That is to say, the group of people that always got cast in every show, those of us who hardly knew what to do with ourselves when, for the short time between shows, we didn't have rehearsal after school. I feel like it was all so much simpler then.
Hahaha. And all that from paint fumes!
I should try to work on my story before my MPG formal chapter meeting. Le sigh. Rock on, all.
Thursday, October 12, 2006
a step finally taken
Text message after text message after text message and I just don't care anymore. Honestly, I don't care what she has to say, I don't care about what guy she's cheating on her husband with, I don't care that she thinks she's fallen in love with that guy, and I almost particularly don't care that she keeps telling me that she loves me, that she misses me, that she misses the days when she and I were a couple.
Well maybe if you hadn't kept leaving me for the next guy that came along to 'steal your heart away'...
She always came back. Always ended up needing me in one way or another. And I was always willing to take her back. Willing to convince myself that I wanted her back. And maybe it was true the first couple times or so... but at some point...
blah
I do feel a little bad, thinking that I've hurt her. But I'd just gotten so fed up with it over this last year and I had to be honest, had to do what I knew I needed to do.
This afternoon (never mind where the conversation began) I told her that I felt we had grown apart, told her I didn't like who she'd become, told her that basically our friendship (or whatever the hell it was) had been dying and I had no interest in saving it. Perhaps it's a bit harsh, but it's true.
It's a big step for me. I felt the slight tug at my heartstrings as she continued to send me messages, telling me she loved me, begging me not to "break her heart and shatter her world," swearing that she could change and make it right. And there it was, the impulse to comfort, my inclination to once more sacrifice a bit of myself for her sake. But I let it be.
I had let go of the idea of her long ago and finally, today, I was able to cut myself loose from her. Now I need only stand my ground.
I hope she finds her way... I just can't keep filling my old role; I don't have it in me to do anymore.
Well maybe if you hadn't kept leaving me for the next guy that came along to 'steal your heart away'...
She always came back. Always ended up needing me in one way or another. And I was always willing to take her back. Willing to convince myself that I wanted her back. And maybe it was true the first couple times or so... but at some point...
blah
I do feel a little bad, thinking that I've hurt her. But I'd just gotten so fed up with it over this last year and I had to be honest, had to do what I knew I needed to do.
This afternoon (never mind where the conversation began) I told her that I felt we had grown apart, told her I didn't like who she'd become, told her that basically our friendship (or whatever the hell it was) had been dying and I had no interest in saving it. Perhaps it's a bit harsh, but it's true.
It's a big step for me. I felt the slight tug at my heartstrings as she continued to send me messages, telling me she loved me, begging me not to "break her heart and shatter her world," swearing that she could change and make it right. And there it was, the impulse to comfort, my inclination to once more sacrifice a bit of myself for her sake. But I let it be.
I had let go of the idea of her long ago and finally, today, I was able to cut myself loose from her. Now I need only stand my ground.
I hope she finds her way... I just can't keep filling my old role; I don't have it in me to do anymore.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
They Are Not Long
They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.
They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for awhile, then closes
Within a dream.
-Ernest Dowson (1867-1900)
Tuesday, October 10, 2006
random note
there's this girl in my film class who keeps catching my eye
I'm not sure what it is about her, but I keep noticing her. can't help but notice her.
I don't know anything about her, even her name, and I think I'll keep it that way
hm... I think it's kinda interesting that she's blonde when not but 7 months ago I'd have told you that blonde is not at all my thing. eh, tastes change.
I'm not sure what it is about her, but I keep noticing her. can't help but notice her.
I don't know anything about her, even her name, and I think I'll keep it that way
hm... I think it's kinda interesting that she's blonde when not but 7 months ago I'd have told you that blonde is not at all my thing. eh, tastes change.
Monday, October 09, 2006
The Greatest Gift
Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13
Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.
When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.
And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.
-1 Corinthians 13
Just Another Side
It comes to me in waves and I just get tired of people. Dealing with them, working around them, through them, saying and hearing things I know come by rote. Practice makes perfect and that one's a champ. It's all in the head, though our hearts attempt to lay claim on a corner or two. Meaningless air.
I get tired of being known. Recognized. And the one-sided hide-and-seek that goes on though I've simply grown weary of looking. Terrible, though, is my eyes still find old targets. Usually before I can even realize what I've seen.
Look away.
I'm not the one who started this game.
It would be better if not a one of them knew me.
But that's only this wave. With the next I'll feel differently again. Blessing or curse, I find myself forever in motion.
You know, it's still strange to me when people I know stop to ask me about what's going on in my life. I can never believe they could care so much as their words would suggest. It's the sentiment, and I'm unimpressed. Grease between the cogs of social mechanics... Well I'm about ready to drop the whole machine from the rooftop of Hurd.
I feel a little bad.
So often people ask me one of those grease questions, performing an act of social nicety, and too often all I can bring myself to is a non-committal answer and no thought to returning the question. I don't know if I'm apathetic only because I believe they truly are, or if I believe they're apathetic only because I truly am. One of these must be true.
Sometimes I pretend to care even when I don't. But I quickly grow weary of that. It's better to just walk away. It's better that I truly care.
And with that, my laundry's done.
Good night all.
I get tired of being known. Recognized. And the one-sided hide-and-seek that goes on though I've simply grown weary of looking. Terrible, though, is my eyes still find old targets. Usually before I can even realize what I've seen.
Look away.
I'm not the one who started this game.
It would be better if not a one of them knew me.
But that's only this wave. With the next I'll feel differently again. Blessing or curse, I find myself forever in motion.
You know, it's still strange to me when people I know stop to ask me about what's going on in my life. I can never believe they could care so much as their words would suggest. It's the sentiment, and I'm unimpressed. Grease between the cogs of social mechanics... Well I'm about ready to drop the whole machine from the rooftop of Hurd.
I feel a little bad.
So often people ask me one of those grease questions, performing an act of social nicety, and too often all I can bring myself to is a non-committal answer and no thought to returning the question. I don't know if I'm apathetic only because I believe they truly are, or if I believe they're apathetic only because I truly am. One of these must be true.
Sometimes I pretend to care even when I don't. But I quickly grow weary of that. It's better to just walk away. It's better that I truly care.
And with that, my laundry's done.
Good night all.
Thursday, October 05, 2006
cause you care so much
Here are my top 10 most listened to songs on my iTunes
(Title, Artist, Play Count)
10. Flood, Jars of Clay, 120
9. Holiday, Green Day, 121
8. The Hell Song, Sum 41, 122
7. Life After Death & Taxes, Relient K, 122
6. Nothing Better, The Postal Service, 125
5. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, The Postal Service, 128
4. Dance Inside, The All-American Rejects, 129
3. Be Still My Heart, The Postal Service, 141
2. Such Great Hights, The Postal Service, 160
1. Summer Overtune, Clint Mansell, 164
(Title, Artist, Play Count)
10. Flood, Jars of Clay, 120
9. Holiday, Green Day, 121
8. The Hell Song, Sum 41, 122
7. Life After Death & Taxes, Relient K, 122
6. Nothing Better, The Postal Service, 125
5. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, The Postal Service, 128
4. Dance Inside, The All-American Rejects, 129
3. Be Still My Heart, The Postal Service, 141
2. Such Great Hights, The Postal Service, 160
1. Summer Overtune, Clint Mansell, 164
Me As A Child
as told by my mother
Evidently my mom often used to find me playing alone,
in my closet,
with the door closed,
and the light off.
And that was when she wasn't finding me the same way in the pots and pans cupboard.
Evidently I most enjoyed myself when alone in small, dark spaces...
Dude, I'm weird.
On a completely unrelated note, organic toaster pastries officially rock my socks.
That's pretty much it.
in my closet,
with the door closed,
and the light off.
And that was when she wasn't finding me the same way in the pots and pans cupboard.
Evidently I most enjoyed myself when alone in small, dark spaces...
Dude, I'm weird.
On a completely unrelated note, organic toaster pastries officially rock my socks.
That's pretty much it.
Sunday, October 01, 2006
Sometimes I'm An Ass
(but aren't we all?)
I had to make two different appologies today to two different guys who I had been a bit too hard on this weekend. I don't know... I have a habit of getting pissy when I don't get what I want. The sign of being an only child? Perhaps.
Something.
Oh well.
As it is, it probably meant a lot more to me that I appologized than it did to either of them.
But one way or the other, appologies have been made and the world trudges along.
IN OTHER NEWS:
My parent's are coming to WashU at the end of this month for parent's weekend. Yay! ^_^
They came last year but didn't stay long and thus only saw a little bit of the campus. I really do hope to get to show them around this time.
They're really not gonna like climbing those (what was it, 62?) stairs up to my suite, though.
le sigh
I ought to work on my story for fiction writing.
G'night, all.
Something.
Oh well.
As it is, it probably meant a lot more to me that I appologized than it did to either of them.
But one way or the other, appologies have been made and the world trudges along.
IN OTHER NEWS:
My parent's are coming to WashU at the end of this month for parent's weekend. Yay! ^_^
They came last year but didn't stay long and thus only saw a little bit of the campus. I really do hope to get to show them around this time.
They're really not gonna like climbing those (what was it, 62?) stairs up to my suite, though.
le sigh
I ought to work on my story for fiction writing.
G'night, all.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)