Location: An Armchair Near a Window at Starbucks

The sun returned today to shine down on us and put a new spring in our step. I sit nursing my grande maple frappuchino and see things as I've failed to see them for some time now. It is as if the sun has given the air a crystal-clear quality, allowing me to see the life and activity that was previously veiled by an overcast sky.

/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~
So, evidently I'm going to Bauhaus this weekend. Are you gonna be there??

/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~\/~
My next story for fiction writing seems to involve a telepathic nine year old boy who's been the subject of laboratory experiments since he was four and no longer actively remembers the outside world EXCEPT that there is something inside of him that remembers and manifests itself as another little boy that only my character can see/hear. I only came up with that last night (after sitting around for an hour or two, unable to come up with anything compelling) and I have almost no idea where I'm going with it, but there you go.

My first story was about a young woman, a college junior, who cheats on her girlfriend, who, by the way, graduated from the same college in the spring before my story takes place and now lives in another city. Distance is harsh. If that's not bad enough, she cheats on her girlfriend with a man, ends up having drunken unprotected sex, and is worried that she might now be pregnant. The girlfriend shows up the very day that my character has bought a pregnancy test to confirm or deny her fears. Ooh, the drama.

Image of the Day

The vibrant reds and yellows will fade, leaving only a dead brown. I see it starting now, as we move through fall, waiting to stumble upon winter, when all is laid bare in the renewal that will one day become spring. It seems that we can never settle properly into one season before the next catches up with us.


<-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><-><->


And now for something completely different!

Quote for the day from Lori to me:
"How are you NOT a heathen?!"

That's all there is.
There isn't (2 beats) anymore.

Image Journal

My fiction writing professor had us start image journals. Every Day we have to record an image, starting October 27, through the end of the semester.

I figure I would post my images here, so here's what I've got so far. Be warned that these are spur-of-the-moment sorts of things and may or may not suck (which is kind of like my blog in general, so yay).

Friday, October 27
A single feather falls from the shadows where I know the red curtain to be hiding, waiting for its moment to shine once more, telling everyone the show's over. Elegance in its velvety folds. I watch the feather as it drifts slowly to the stage floor, a soft white against the browns and yellows that have been brushed so carefully across the floor.

Saturday, October 28
My mother smiles for the pictures, her face wrinkling in all the places I know she hates. The corners of her eyes. The corners of her mouth. And of course, her eyes are almost lost in heavy lids and full cheeks. She will hate the picture. She always hates the pictures.

Sunday, October 29
I approach the mirror, knowing what I will find, but fascinated all the same. Red eyes, cheeks flushed, and a shiny trail from the single tear I'd let fall. I trace the trail with my eyes, my face now smooth, observing. I lick my lips, tasting the salt, and meet my own gaze in the mirror, reddened eye to reddened eye. I think for a second of reaching out to the lonely girl I've found there, but I know I'll only find cold glass at my fingertips.

Monday, October 30
I can't even breathe in moments like this. I see him and I'm automatically so conflicted. A moment's glance or a painfully awkward smile that wrinkles his face and makes me despise him that much more.
I want to hate him.
Nothing good will come of this.
He passes and I look away as if his existence isn't worth noticing. But I turn and stare him down once his back is to me, caught in an inability to just forget, to not take noticed. I revel in the passion of something close to hate for a moment or two, but as my heart slows, I can only feel the regrets, deep and murky, polluting the clear air and sky around me.

Tuesday, October 31
Crisp white against the clear blue of a chilly fall morning. The sky calls to happier days of carefree play and I smile at the memories. The wind blows and I wrap my arms around myself. Close. Tight.

Wednesday, November 1
My eyes open and darkness surrounds me. I suddenly realize where I am. Realize I ought to be home. As my heart pounds with the anxiety of a college student who's academic career suddenly seems at stake, I sit up straight. Why didn't he wake me? I have homework to do, things I was supposed to get done. I glance at the clock. Too late. I'm stuck for the night.

Thursday, November 2
I see the disappointment in her face as it slackens and hangs in that melancholy way. She is disappointed in herself, which I know is the hardest thing. I tell her it's not so bad, assure her that she's overreacting, but as I pull out of our hug, I see the tears glistening in her eyes and can see how hard she's trying to keep her cool. I'm helpless and so I offer another hug, knowing it makes little difference.

Friday, November 3
It's odd to observe campus life just prior to and during between-class breaks. There's this magnificent peace that settles for a time, as an occasional tour passes with shuffling feet, and the majority of students are stuck within the confines of their respective classes.
Seemingly at once, a new chaos is birthed and our beloved grounds are flooded with humanity. They chatter and rush about, making plans for lunch, for dinner, for the weekend. And at least one of these tends to involve sex or alcohol or some combination of the two.
I sit passively by, resenting them for intruding on my solitary world of nature and internal monologue. And yet... they are interesting to watch and observe.
Of course, the disappointing part comes when I realize that I'm of the same kind and just another among the crowd.

Saturday, November 4
I know it's over and I know I must let him go for the night, allowing him to return to his room, where I'm sure he'll hop on WoW and play for a few hours before he gives in to sleep. I'm always drawn to gamers. This occurs to me as I steal one last kiss and send him on his way. As he passes through the doorway, I return to my bed and consider him. I'm slightly put off by the very existence of this game and by its influence on this guy who I'd prefer to be under my influence.
Perhaps he's more trouble than he's worth.
I know I don't believe that, but I keep the thought in my mind as a safeguard against romanticizing our relationship. Lord knows I don't need that again. Not right now. Not this guy.

Sunday, November 5
I sit and am silent as conversation passes across and through my person. My companions attempt to include me, asking me questions, prompting me to throw in my two cents, and though I reply to all of this, I still remain quiet, observing. I hope they are not put off by this, as I've found so many are, but I am simply inclined to observe. I listen as they speak, taking interest and filing away bits of information for later use. I am a pair of ears and an attentive mind, speaking only when I actually have something to say. Novel concept, huh?

Monday, November 6
The world slips in and out of focus as my head throbs dully and begs me to go to sleep. Two hours simply is not enough. It's practically screaming at me. But there are things to be done.

Notes For The Day

My most recent ex is still an ass and I still cannot fully overlook his actions (no matter how he justifies himself and perhaps becasue of the way he justifies himself), but I will be civil and I will be nice and I will try to make things work to whatever degree possible.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Communication is key. A note for all my sisters.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

There is a girl who lives in the room that has a window directly across from mine that seems to like walking around in a semi- or fully naked state with the blinds open.

Um....

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Fiddler is going well and still has one more weekend of shows left. Buy your tickets before they sell out.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

There are giant holes on campus. This makes me unhappy.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I want to sleep more.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I want to put life on pause.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I've developed a rain cloud over my head that keeps blotting out the sun.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

I love my parents. Lots.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

And that's pretty much it for now.
Live well.

Elements of the Past

I found this when sifting through my old MySpace blogs. This is from over a year ago and it's so weird to read it now and think about how important it all seemed and how much I really felt the things I had written. Now it's almost as if it all happened to someone else, as if I'd only read about it in a book.


Thursday, July 07, 2005


A Lonely Tear


I breathe your name into the northerly winds,

and though the sound is stolen from my lips,

I fret not.



For I know that same wind

will caress your very face this night as you lie out under the stars,

contemplating your escape.



And so my heart will reach out to yours

in those shared stars

and in that northerly wind,

and when a lonely tear falls from your eye,

it will be my hand that brushes it away

and my voice that calms your torrential emotions.



For I am yours and you are mine.



And though it may appear

we have been ripped apart,

the truth of our souls shall disprove it.



We are one in the very core of our beings.

One will never exist without the other.



So it has been since before time first ticked,

and so it shall be until all things are ended.

And so it shall be.

Playlist and Random Post-Script

I think I'm going to try and put up a monthly playlist. That is, songs that I have been listening to a lot within the preceding month. So yay; here's October. (Title ~ Artist ~ Album)

1. Cool Blue Reason ~ Cake ~ Prolonging the Magic
2. Pop Song 89 ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Punk Goes 80's
3. Happy Endings ~ The All-American Rejects ~ The All-American Rejects
4. I Melt With You ~ SUGARCULT ~ Punk Goes 80's
5. Such Great Heights (Remix by John Tejada) ~ The Postal Service ~ The District Sleeps Alone Tonight - EP
6. The Power of Love ~ Huey Lewis & The News ~ Greatest Hits: Huey Lewis & the News
7. Let's Pretend ~ No Fi Soul Rebellion ~ Let's Pretend - Single
8. Holding Out for a Hero ~ Frou Frou ~ Shrek 2 (Soundtrack from the Motion Picture)
9. Video Killed the Radio Star ~ The Buggles ~The Age of Plastic
10. I Melt With You ~ Bowling for Soup ~ Bowling for Soup Goes to the Movies
11. Why Worry ~ The All-American Rejects ~ The All-American Rejects
12. You Spin Me Round ~ Dead or Alive ~ Evolution: the Hits
13. Your Love ~ The Outfield ~ The Outfield: Super Hits
14. Invisible Monsters ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Commit This to Memory (Deluxe Edition)
15. Underwater ~ Switchfoot ~ The Legend of Chin
16. Nothing Better (Styrofoam Remix) ~ The Postal Service ~ We Will Become Silhouettes - EP
17. Forever Young ~ Rod Stewart ~ The Very Best of Rod Stewart
18. You Spin Me Round (Radio Version) ~ Dandoo ~ You Spin Me Round - EP
19. I Melt with You ~ Modern English ~ The Best of '80s Pop: Party Songs
20. 99 Red Balloons ~ Siobhan DuVall ~ STAR
21. Modern Chemistry ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ I Am The Movie
22. Power of Love ~ The Early November ~ Punk Goes 80's
23. Resolution ~ Motion City Soundtrack ~ Commit This to Memory
24. 99 Luftballons ~ Stefanie Praytor ~ Sugar Storm
25. Gotta Have You ~ The Weepies ~ Say I Am You

I might never do this again... but we'll see.

So yes, the post-script:
My name does not, in fact, by virtue of its spelling, reference any form of precipitation. If anything, it references mysticism or some such. So there.

how I'm doing

How am I doing, you ask??

I just spent about 28 out of the last 48 hours in a theatre doing tech for Fiddler on the Roof.

How do you think I'm doing?

I'm so stressed out right now it's not even f*cking funny.

Just need to survive this week... and keep breathing. Breathing is good.

Thoughts on Sunday, October 15

On Charlotte
First, I laugh at the heading.
^_^
Ok, I'm done.
Second, I met Charlotte Friday night at TKE. She seems cool and I give her two thumbs up. I do, however, feel a little embarrassed that I shamelessly made out with her in the middle of the TKE dance floor... with three of my Mu Phi Gamma sisters not but a foot or so away... It was tasteless on my part, and I apologize. Oy...
But at least I had a good time...?
Oh yeah! And she plays guitar, so she gets an automatic 20 points. Like, fucking hell, that's hot. That's assuming, of course, that she plays well; I only know that she plays.

On The Autism Walk
I got out of bed at 8 o'clock on Saturday, braved the 40 degree weather, and participated in the Autism Walk with four other Mu Phi Gammas. There was plenty of free food and drink and it was charitable, so it's good.
The best part of the walk, however was when one of my MPG sisters, Beth, posed the following question, "If there's drunk and not-drunk = sober, then what's not-high? Cause you can't say clean, cause then people think you've recently bathed, or that you haven't gotten a venereal disease in the last two months. So how do I describe the situation for where I'm drunk, with a venereal disease, but not high??"

On MPG At Beta 4Square
We suck... and that's kinda all there is to it. Most members of our two teams had never even played 4square before, and one of our members has a broken foot. Maybe this should excuse our failure... maybe. Either way, both of our teams lost all three games each played today. Sadness.

On Writing
I used to be prolific writer, but now... I just can't for the life of me sit down and write a story. WTF? School has destroyed me.

On Wet Paint
I walked through the underpass on the way back from Beta 4Square at the AC and smelled the old familliar smell of wet paint. I quickly realized that the smell reminded me of high school (specifically of painting sets in the school theatre on Saturday). And it reminds me of my old friends, the drama group. That is to say, the group of people that always got cast in every show, those of us who hardly knew what to do with ourselves when, for the short time between shows, we didn't have rehearsal after school. I feel like it was all so much simpler then.
Hahaha. And all that from paint fumes!



I should try to work on my story before my MPG formal chapter meeting. Le sigh. Rock on, all.

a step finally taken

Text message after text message after text message and I just don't care anymore. Honestly, I don't care what she has to say, I don't care about what guy she's cheating on her husband with, I don't care that she thinks she's fallen in love with that guy, and I almost particularly don't care that she keeps telling me that she loves me, that she misses me, that she misses the days when she and I were a couple.

Well maybe if you hadn't kept leaving me for the next guy that came along to 'steal your heart away'...

She always came back. Always ended up needing me in one way or another. And I was always willing to take her back. Willing to convince myself that I wanted her back. And maybe it was true the first couple times or so... but at some point...

blah

I do feel a little bad, thinking that I've hurt her. But I'd just gotten so fed up with it over this last year and I had to be honest, had to do what I knew I needed to do.

This afternoon (never mind where the conversation began) I told her that I felt we had grown apart, told her I didn't like who she'd become, told her that basically our friendship (or whatever the hell it was) had been dying and I had no interest in saving it. Perhaps it's a bit harsh, but it's true.

It's a big step for me. I felt the slight tug at my heartstrings as she continued to send me messages, telling me she loved me, begging me not to "break her heart and shatter her world," swearing that she could change and make it right. And there it was, the impulse to comfort, my inclination to once more sacrifice a bit of myself for her sake. But I let it be.

I had let go of the idea of her long ago and finally, today, I was able to cut myself loose from her. Now I need only stand my ground.

I hope she finds her way... I just can't keep filling my old role; I don't have it in me to do anymore.

They Are Not Long

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
Love and desire and hate:
I think they have no portion in us after
We pass the gate.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses:
Out of a misty dream
Our path emerges for awhile, then closes
Within a dream.

-Ernest Dowson (1867-1900)

random note

there's this girl in my film class who keeps catching my eye

I'm not sure what it is about her, but I keep noticing her. can't help but notice her.

I don't know anything about her, even her name, and I think I'll keep it that way


hm... I think it's kinda interesting that she's blonde when not but 7 months ago I'd have told you that blonde is not at all my thing. eh, tastes change.

The Greatest Gift

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing.

Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part. But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away.

When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known.

And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love.

-1 Corinthians 13

Just Another Side

It comes to me in waves and I just get tired of people. Dealing with them, working around them, through them, saying and hearing things I know come by rote. Practice makes perfect and that one's a champ. It's all in the head, though our hearts attempt to lay claim on a corner or two. Meaningless air.

I get tired of being known. Recognized. And the one-sided hide-and-seek that goes on though I've simply grown weary of looking. Terrible, though, is my eyes still find old targets. Usually before I can even realize what I've seen.

Look away.
I'm not the one who started this game.

It would be better if not a one of them knew me.

But that's only this wave. With the next I'll feel differently again. Blessing or curse, I find myself forever in motion.

You know, it's still strange to me when people I know stop to ask me about what's going on in my life. I can never believe they could care so much as their words would suggest. It's the sentiment, and I'm unimpressed. Grease between the cogs of social mechanics... Well I'm about ready to drop the whole machine from the rooftop of Hurd.

I feel a little bad.

So often people ask me one of those grease questions, performing an act of social nicety, and too often all I can bring myself to is a non-committal answer and no thought to returning the question. I don't know if I'm apathetic only because I believe they truly are, or if I believe they're apathetic only because I truly am. One of these must be true.

Sometimes I pretend to care even when I don't. But I quickly grow weary of that. It's better to just walk away. It's better that I truly care.

And with that, my laundry's done.
Good night all.

cause you care so much

Here are my top 10 most listened to songs on my iTunes
(Title, Artist, Play Count)

10. Flood, Jars of Clay, 120
9. Holiday, Green Day, 121
8. The Hell Song, Sum 41, 122
7. Life After Death & Taxes, Relient K, 122
6. Nothing Better, The Postal Service, 125
5. The District Sleeps Alone Tonight, The Postal Service, 128
4. Dance Inside, The All-American Rejects, 129
3. Be Still My Heart, The Postal Service, 141
2. Such Great Hights, The Postal Service, 160
1. Summer Overtune, Clint Mansell, 164

Me As A Childas told by my mother

Evidently my mom often used to find me playing alone,

in my closet,

with the door closed,

and the light off.


And that was when she wasn't finding me the same way in the pots and pans cupboard.


Evidently I most enjoyed myself when alone in small, dark spaces...
Dude, I'm weird.



On a completely unrelated note, organic toaster pastries officially rock my socks.

That's pretty much it.

Sometimes I'm An Ass(but aren't we all?)

I had to make two different appologies today to two different guys who I had been a bit too hard on this weekend. I don't know... I have a habit of getting pissy when I don't get what I want. The sign of being an only child? Perhaps.

Something.

Oh well.

As it is, it probably meant a lot more to me that I appologized than it did to either of them.

But one way or the other, appologies have been made and the world trudges along.


IN OTHER NEWS:
My parent's are coming to WashU at the end of this month for parent's weekend. Yay! ^_^
They came last year but didn't stay long and thus only saw a little bit of the campus. I really do hope to get to show them around this time.

They're really not gonna like climbing those (what was it, 62?) stairs up to my suite, though.


le sigh
I ought to work on my story for fiction writing.
G'night, all.

What the F*ck, Apple?!

Alright.
Delia's touchpad keeps randomly crapping out on me and I have to shut her down and leave her off for a few minutes or so in order to get it to start working again.

All I can say is WHAT THE F*CK?!

I didn't do anything to her. I didn't mistreat her or drop her or spill anything on her. No; I've been good to her. So what the f*ck? The only thing I can think of is that this started happening after I replaced Delia's recalled battery. But what could that have done to affect the touchpad?? I don't know, but it's as frustrating as hell.

Poor thing; she's not even a year old yet and already she's developed a seemingly chronic problem...

le sigh

Shirt Ninja!

The answer to every problem:
"Dude, wear a ninja mask!!"

Don't have one?? Well go here and find what you seek!

What I Learned Today In Social Psych Class

According to Professor Lambert, who was our guest lecturer for the day in social psych class, there was an experiment in which paid men would go up to random women on a college campus and paid women would go up to random men on said campus and then the paid participant would propose one of the following to the unsuspecting other.

-> Would you like to go on a date with me tonight?
-> Would you like to come over to my apartment tonight?
-> Would you like to have sex with me tonight?

The results of this are as follows:

When Women Were Approached By Men:
Date - 50% said yes
Apartment - 6% said yes
Sex - 0% said yes

When Men Were Approached By Women:
Date - 50%
Apartment - 69%
Sex - 75%

That's right, my friends. Men are, according to this compelling study, more likely to go sleep with a chick after just meeting her than they are to agree to meet up for coffee.

And that's our world, dear ones.

QUICK POST!! AHHH!!!!

Right now and in THIS VERY MOMENT my computer both informs me that it's 50 degrees outside AND insists that today's low is 53.

Wait....

What???

Prance With VigororThat Professor's Voice Just DOESN'T Hold My Attention

Today in film class-
A) My coffee cup commanded me to "Prance with Vigor"
B) The professor uttered the phrase, "Truth lies only within the collective."
C) I made a gummi comic of sorts:

Admit it, it's awesome.

Oh, and while I'm here, I insist that every one of you listen to the cover of Holding Out for a Hero by Frou Frou. It rocks my socks.

And now I have to do back-homework. WOOHOO!!

....

yeah

i love hurd

ho-kay, so,

i LOVE living here.
Even despite the mass amounts of stairs, the lack of space in my room, and the fact that Aarthi's apt to leave the door open when she leaves, I think the common room and balcony completely make up for it.

...excpet maybe the Aarthi leaving the door open thing, considering the fact that I've already been robbed once

but yes

AWESOME

It's kind of apartment-like, and I always loved living in apartments when I was going to elementary school in Houston.



le sigh
i must away

What Irks Me, Vol 1

I've decided to start up a little mini-feature in my blog that will pop up every now and then called, yes you guessed it, What Irks Me

So, on Monday, September 18, 2006, at 3:29 PM, this is what has recently irked me

->People who walk in a line across the sidewalk and don't move over so you can pass them. (This is irksome when going the same direction as the group, as well as when going in the opposite direction. Probably a lot more-so when it's the opposite, because then YOU KNOW THEY SEE YOU, and yet they still don't make way.)
->Frat boys who are way too drunk/high and decide it's ok to grab your ass. (And/or other various parts of your body.)
->The sheer number of people I have to mill through on campus during high-traffic times. (This only mildly irks me and I often ignore it all anyway.)
->Spiteful pushing on a dance floor in retaliation to an accidental push. (I've probably done this one myself at least once, but never hard, and that doesn't mean it can't be irksome to me.)
->Being left unsatisfied. (Ok, so obviously this would irk anyone, but it has been a recent annoyance in a number of situations and so I figured I'd throw it in.)
->People who talk on their cell phone while in a movie theatre. (Or any other place where I'm trying to pay attention to something but all I can focus on is their side of a call that just could not wait.

That's it for now, cause I need a nap.

Be good to each other, huh? And don't be irksome

I Wish I Didn't Have To Sleep

On a related note, walking across the South 40 at 4AM makes it really easy to forget how many people actually live here. It's a little insane.

I love this place so much, though. I'm almost certainly not going home this summer. Ariel and I are supposed to be looking into an apartment (though I'll be in London for 5 weeks). But you know... with this thing with my mom, it kinda makes me want to go home. You know, spend time with her while I can. It's a very disconcerting situation (obviously).

So yeah... sleep. I really need to stop doing this to myself.

Until next time, all.

noted

evidently my solution to feeling sucky about my most recent relationship bad-ness (said what I said) is to flirt with every unattached guy who seems relatively flirt-worthy

woohoo??

i don't know. as it stands, there's not a real ton of guys that I find flirt-worthy anyway

well, we'll see how this turns out


until next time, all

bruise

it's not the best pic, but it's fucking late


In other news, I'm acting in Day O' Shame this year. The shows are performed 24 hours after the writers first start writing. They started 10pm last night and the performance is 10pm tonight (yes, Saturday night). All of you who can should come see the show!! It's in the village theatre; just go down the stairs in Village House. Hard to miss.

woohoo!

blood loss

I give blood regularly. I just do. It's never entirely pleasant, but I keep coming back for more. What can I say? Willfull blood loss. Rock on.

Something.

Anyway, today they fucked all the hell up. The needle was in my vein in a bad way or something and it was taking a kinda long time and when they finally got the bag filled and moved on to the vials (for tests so they can know if my blood's safe to use), it just wasn't working. Well, as near as I can tell, they were trying to reposition the needle in my vein, cue sharp pain in my arm, my breath catches, I look over, needle's been pulled out, lots of blood (including on the shirt I was wearing). I think they might have pierced through the other side of the vein or some such. And after all that, they had to stick me in the other arm (which went off without a hitch) to get blood for the vials.

Here's a pic of what it looks like right now, about 5 to 6 hours after giving blood.

And just think what it'll look like once the bruises have time to develop. Nice...

Course, I know this won't stop me from donating again. Like I said, it's what I do. I really like to give of myself, you might say. I suppose even past the point of pain.

In other news, I dropped my Costume Design and History class and am now only taking 13 credits. But that's ok; I have some summer credits under my belt and I aldreay know I'm doing the London program this coming summer which includes (i think??) 6 credits worth of class.

And I'm beat. I'll to sleep now.

best facebook group ever

soooooo this is quite obviously one of the best FB groups ever. it's actually one of the first ones I joined... I think....

but anyway, check this out

Group Info

Name: I Haven't Developed Superpowers Yet But I Haven't Stopped Trying Either

Type: Common Interest - Beauty

Description: Have you ever tried to make a thunderstorm appear through sheer force of will? Do you regularly jump off tall things just in case you suddenly gained the power of flight and didn't notice? When you drop something, do you refuse to pick it up before trying to lift it with your latent psychic abilities for a good five minutes or more? If so, welcome! This group is for all of us who can feel supernatural powers coursing through our veins, but haven't quite got the knack of it yet.

yeah... that's it

my gay prom date is all growed up

So one of my very best friends in high school was a one Andrew Brett. We even went to senior prom together.

Now, as I have homework to do and have only slept about 5 hours in the past 48, I will make this short.

Basically, this is him then, at 18, in Conroe, Texas:


And this is him now, at 19, in Los Angeles, California:


So there you go.
Oh, and check this out!!

Way to go, Andrew, luv. Rock on.

Motion City Soundtrack

I've been listening to nothing but Motion City Soundtrack for the last week or week and a half. iloveit.

Here's a couple of the songs that like to stick in my head these days.

Title: Resolution
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack
Album: Commit This To Memory

I like the universe, but she messes with my words
I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse.
I know what you're thinking, this probably sounds rehearsed.

So let's give it up for the New Year
Did this party of two have you slightly confused?
Now that our things are divided
She refuses to speak and I'm driftin' to sleep at the wheel.

Liquids, powders and pills, not quite taken against my will.
The tastes tests of girls, from all over the world
who refuse to accept my excuses.
She put up with so much, of my madness and my self-abuse
She would tend to my wounds and fill me with food when I'd stumble in drunk for breakfast,
She was right to take off before she was consumed

So let's give it up for the New Year
Did this party of two have you slightly confused?
Now that our things are divided
She refuses to speak and I'm driftin' to sleep at the wheel.

[instrumental]

So let's give it up for the New Year
Did this party of two have you slightly confused?
Now that our things are divided
She refuses to speak and I'm driftin' to sleep at the wheel.

So let's give it up for the New Year
Did this party of two have you slightly confused?
Now that our things are divided
She refuses to speak and I'm driftin' to sleep at the wheel.

I like the universe, but she messes with my words
I'm not talking planets or galaxies and the distance just makes it worse.

...you're totally right, every action was well rehearsed.

Title: When "You're" Around (Acoustic)
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack
Album: Split: Matchbook Romance / Motion City Soundtrack - EP

Midwest love affair
I bend when I am bored
Late night liquor blue
Will lead me to the floor.
Can we fake it?
Can we make believe?
I'm so full of love
It deeply sickens me.

But all I could do was close my eyes
And cross my arms and hope to die
Cause you don't fucking listen
When I'm around.
The least you could do is take it back
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks
Cause I can't fucking stand it.
When You're Around.

Midwest aftermath, the rumors start to rise
Did I truly do the things that you've described?
They must hate me, every single one
It just sickens them, what I consider fun.

But all I could do was close my eyes
And cross my arms and hope to die
Cause you don't fucking listen
When I'm around.
The least you could do is take it back
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks,
Cause I can't fucking stand it.
When You're Around.

But all I could do was close my eyes
And cross my arms and hope to die
Cause you don't fucking listen
When I'm around.
The least you could do is take it back
All the vicious remarks and verbal attacks
Cause I can't fucking stand it.
When You're Around.

No I can't fucking stand it, when you're around. (x2)

Title: Modern Chemistry
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack
Album: I Am The Movie

I believe in medication
And I believe in therapy
And I believe in crystal light
'Cause I believe in me, yeah
It's so uplifting
Fuck, yeah

I barely have the motivation
They say I suffer from a lack of seratonin
Synapses they happen too infrequently for me
To be functioning properly
I took the pills I took the advice
The panic stopped
But still I'm not right
Racing thoughts and wasted time
It's the same old story-line
This is my nursery rhyme
And it goes:

I believe in medication
And I believe in therapy
And I believe in crystal light
'Cause I believe in me, yeah
It's so uplifting
Fuck, yeah

I'm barely off the medication
And now the walls are closing in again
I can't breathe and I can't bleed
Will you be my alibi?
Tell them that I truly tried
To give in?

Title: Title: LG Fuad
Artist: Motion City Soundtrack
Album: Commit This To Memory

Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm speaking figuratively, of course..
Like the last time that I committed suicide.. social suicide..
Yeah, so I'm already dead on the inside,
But I can still pretend with my memories and photographs,
I have learned to love the lie.

I wanna know what it's like to be awkward and innocent, not belligerent.
I wanna know how it feels to be useful and pertinent and have common sense.. yeah
Let me in, let me in to the club, cuz I wanna belong,
And I need to get strong, and if memory serves,
I'm addicted to words and they're useless.

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die..
I'm riding hard on the last lines of every lie,
And the BMX bike of my life is about to explode,
I'm about to explode.
I'm a mess, I'm a wreck.
I am perfect, and I have learned to accept all my problems and short comings,
Cause I am so visceral, yet deeply inept.

I want to thank you for being a part of my forget-me-nots and marigolds..
And all the things that don't get old..
Is it legal to do this? I surely don't know.
It's the only way I have learned to express myself through other peoples' descriptions of life..
I'm afraid I'm alone and entirely useless...

(In this department)
Let's get fucked up and die.
For the last time with feeling
we'll try not to smile
As we cover our heads and drink heavily into the nights
That still shock and surprise.
I believe that I can, overcome this and beat everything in the end
But I choose to abuse for the time being,
maybe I'll win, but for now I've decided to die.

Sister soldier
You’ve been such a positive influence on my mental frame
If I could ever repay you,
I would, but I'm hard up for cash
And my memory lacks initiative.

God damn the liquor store's closed,
we were so close to scoring
it hurts, it destroys 'til it kills..
I am tired and hungry and totally useless.
(In this department)

news

turns out my mom's chronic lyphatic leukemia has gotten rather worse rather quickly

turns out she's gonna have to start chemo soon

turns out this is far more real than I want to think about right now

disturbing developments

even putting aside the creepy new facebook feature that brings online stalking to a new level of easy, these last few days have not been entirely pleasant

it seems I've been picked on and stolen from. my gamecube, memory card, and all four controllers (one of which I only acquired and paid for a mere 24 hours ago), a cup full of dimes and nickels, and a gold ring my grandmother gave to me have turned up missing since I left for the activities fair just before 4:00 today. the game console and controllers were taken from our suite common room and the change and ring (and perhaps something else I've yet to miss) were taken from my room.

Lucas says that if I can give him any sort of lead he'll do his best to track the guy down and skin him for me. i know he would. he already looked into the possibility that it might be the freshman guy I had invited back to my room when aarthi (my roommate)was gone this past weekend, but the only law that kid's broken is not putting change in a parking meter. it's probably not him. so I've got nothing. see, none of us ever bothered to lock the suite door and to add to it, a number of sketchy looking guys have been known to pass through our common room from time to time to go smoke out on our balcony. so basically I'm screwed for the loss.

the creepy thing is that so far as I know, no one else is missing anything. coincidence? or have I been in some way targeted? if so, the person would have to know me and have a reason to want to harm me (if only mildly). who would do it and why?

i just don't like any of this and I feel a rather violated
hell, I get nervous when people go through my things and I'm in the same room
this person could have gone through all my stuff while I was out
i hate this feeling

Guilty Pleasure of the Day: Online Tests

Buff bad boy You scored 40% masculine, 58% athletic, 45% exotic, and 31% refined!

You like your men with a boyish or feminine face but a manly body. You like him to posess bad boy looks while still maintaining some innocence. He looks like the all-American kind of hunk and I bet you love someone like.......Travis Fimmel. But let's face it, the whole point of this was to look at a bunch of hot guys. If you liked what you saw, please rate my test!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender: You scored higher than 12% on masculine You scored higher than 32% on athletic You scored higher than 49% on exotic You scored higher than 10% on refined

Link: The What type of MAN turns you on Test written by thinkandcome on OkCupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

62 Steps to Suite 44

...very balanced title...

Anyway, I have noticed that there is an odd sort of pattern to my housing assignments at WashU thus far.

The summer before my freshman year I lived in Umrath, one floor up. That fall, I was placed in the same rescollege, in Ruby, on the top floor.

This past summer I lived in Eliot, one floor up. This fall, I now find myself in the same rescollege, in Hurd, on the top floor.


Just kind of interesting is all.

But really the point of this post is to complain about the fact that I have to climb 62 steps from the ground floor to my suite. At least it's good exercise, hm?

My Pets. Woohoo!

So... these are on Facebook, but here you go.

My dog, Jake. (Female, btw.)

My favorite cat, Princess.

Second favorite cat, named after my friend, Larkin.

The alpha male, Grey.

The grandmother, Boo.

And some others.





There are more than this on Facebook, for those of you in my network. Check 'em out.


In other news, my PowerBook battery is one of those which Apple is recalling. This sucks. So now I have my battery disconnected from my computer, as per Apple's instructions, and a new battery is in the mail. So at least my dorm hasn't burned down... But until I get my new battery, poor Delia will be bound to her outlet.

Carry on, all.
And do be good to each other.

The Wise Words of William Danforth

As many of my readers surely know, the WashU main campus has recently been renamed Danforth Campus, due, it is almost certain, to the Danforth family padding the WashU pockets. Now we see the name everywhere; it's on informational material, on signs, maps, and on the cover of the Residential Life Handbook we were all given upon moving in.

On said cover, there is a quote from a mister William Danforth, the first part of which reads, "Our most valuable possessions are those which can be shared without lessening; those which when shared multiply."

...

STDs

...

Thank you for your time.

The Academic New Year

This past year's been quite a trip, I must say. Now, as I embark on the adventure that is Sophomore year, I'm looking back to take note of what the past 365 days have taught me.

Woohoo Fun List!!!

>18 credits of unrelated classes is a BAD idea
>The summer school crowd often leaves much to be desired
>ALWAYS USE THE PLANNER (fucked that one up while taking 18 credits. extra bad.)
>Bean bags attract sex
>Everclear punch leads to a quick and happy drunk. Drink with good friends.
>The frats are a drag. Nothing else to it.
>Sticks and stones really do break bones. (Ben Mudd)
>Dying your hair purple WILL stain everything, including the dorm shower and much of your skin. Worth it, though.
>High school students, as a whole, are annoying as hell
>Never print something at the last minute. The printer WILL be out of paper.
>B-level lounge in the library is a GREAT place to nap. Once left my room to nap there before a class.
>It definitely helps if your professor likes you. Definitely.
>Always turn in the optional draft. It's just stupid not to.
>Getting matching tattoos with your mom is actually rather cool
>Cutting off most all of your hair, while a great and bold move, probably should not be done in November in St. Louis.

It's been a good year.
Here's to another.

Alpha Beta

I know I said I wouldn't post until fall semester, but recent developments have lead me to a cafe where I can access wireless and fix a few... online inconsistencies. Stuff changes and some things just don't quite fit as they used to.

Just another hassle to add to the list

Break-ups. Blah. What a fucking downer.

Oh well. It's been a few days now and things are going well.

Just a little update. That's all. I promise I'll work on something more print-worthy for next time I post.

Good day, all.

See You In August

I'm heading home today, back to good ole Texas.



I don't have internet at home, so I suppose you'll hear from me at the end of August.

Have a good rest of the summer, all.

In the spirit of stealing basic ideas....

I bring you my room!

At five thirty this morning I came to realize something. The end-of-term apathy and subsequent room messiness that I have experienced in the past still occurs at the end of the summer term, excepting a few differences. First, the mess accumulates over the last few days, rather than the last couple weeks. Second, the mess is notably smaller both because it has less time to accumulate and because I have a lot less crap in my possession that could potentially accumulate as mess in the first place.

I'm sure there's a mathematical formula I could work out for that, but as I only slept a few hours last night and keep getting stress headaches (from a lack of sleep, I'm certain), we'll leave it as conceptual.

So what to do with this mess? Clean it up, maybe??
Hm... I've a better idea!
I'll show it to the world through my blog!!! WOOHOO!!!!

^_^


So yes. Observe. To the left upon entering is Party Leftovers -->

Here we have various alcoholic beverages, left over from a party I had in here weeks ago. Notice that wheeled basket?? That's what my friend used to bring in the alcohol and food she brought to my party. As she's yet to pick up these remains, here it all stands, waiting. Least it proves I'm not an alcoholic, eh?

If you all would kindly look to the right now, you will see the much adored Extra Desk -->

There are a various number of items here, including some fine board games (also my friend's), my art history paper atop some paper plates from Bear's Den (got a 94 on that paper!!), a bag of pretzels I probably ought to just throw out, the Avenue Q soundtrack in a sleeve, and a case of Dr. Peppers (which hasn't been touched since Adam was here) topped with an art museum map and a Chinese take-out menu.

Alright! Moving forward, still on the right and past Delia, my laptop, is a recent development I lovingly call Pistachios, in honor of the mid-morning snack clearly displayed here -->

Again, there is a good mix of things here. We have the lion-covered Chronicles of Narnia book, a folder and a good number of flashcards from studying for my art history class, the base of a blender (again, not mine), my mid-morning snack as I suggested above, and (if you look between the blender and the folder) a bottle of my latest favorite nail polish (clear with rainbow sparkles, woohoo).

Now please, if you would, for the full effect, take a few steps back and move to the left. There you will find the Nap Trap -->

The title here actually refers to all three points of interest here. First is the "couch," seen at left. Over the past five weeks, a good number of people have fallen victim to this trap's cozy appeal. More recently, though, as I've grown more antisocial as my final test approaches, the "couch" has served no purpose and I have thus left its cover sheet and throw pillows in the disarray their last user left them in. The other major trap here is my own bed, seen along the back wall. As you may have guessed, I haven't even attempted to make my bed in the last couple days. These things happen. The final element is somewhat limited in its relation to the Nap Trap in that it is merely the product of the actual trap's effectiveness. However, I feel that if I do not give this entity full credit, it may easily grow into a man-eating monster and attack me during the night. You will notice this rather innocuous-looking creature slumbering peacefully on the floor in front of my bed. It has formed almost without my noticing; it seems that when taken with a desire to sleep lately, I'm drawn into the Nap Trap so quickly that I hardly have time to strip off my jeans and t-shirt. This quick de-robing and exchange for softer fabrics leads to the clothes remaining on the floor in a heap, biding their time and slowly gathering strength.

Alright, my friends, you've made it this far. Just one more stop in our tour and then you can make your way to the gift shop. So please just step forward a bit, all, and look to your right. Here we have what I've simply come to call Yo -->

Don't be shy, now! Come in close and get a good look.

Here we have my iHome and iPod, currently playing one of my very favorite mixes, some index cards, an art history textbook, a left-hander's spiral notebook (quite handy, I must say!), various unimportant whatnot, some fingernail polish remover, my cell phone charging dock, and (the focus of this collection, it seems) a yo-yo that for reasons unknown has come to live hanging from the lofted bed above our heads. Interesting, that.

Well, that is all I have to show you. Thank you for visiting, and if there are no questions...? No? Ok, well do have a fine day, all, and i hope you had a wonderful time.

From the Makers of Berry Extraordinaire, We Bring You...

Banana-Peach Smoooooth
2 whole bananas
1 container Colombo peach yogurt (fruit on bottom)
1 pint skim milk

Blend on highest setting 30-ish seconds. Serves 2-ish. ^_^

This one doesn't have the juicy kick of my last one, but rather, it allows the smooth banana flavor to mingle pleasantly with the peach on your taste buds. Definitely a morning choice.

I'm thinking some fresh pineapple would have made this smoothie just perfect. But alas, I had none.

Happy smoothie-making, all.

Llama!

Please forgive me...

"Llama, llama, duck!"

professors are people too? what??

Seeing one of your professors out in the real world is like seeing an exotic animal walking down main street. Only not nearly as exciting... (Tho, some may argue, just as potentially dangerous.)
What I mean is that it just feels so very out of place.
It's like seeing your mom at your favorite club. (Unless you have a really awesome mom and don't mind sharing a scene with her.)

But yes.
Last week I saw one of my psychology professors in Bread Co and tonight I saw one of my film professors at Ted Drewes. Both times I was just sort of taken aback for a second or two. It's that moment of "what the heck are they doing outside of the school?!" Which is a totally stupid thought to have pass through your mind, but seemingly automatic.

I mean, I know, I know, professors are people too. They have lives and families and such. Damn... they procreate... huh...

I'm going to have to take a moment to process this...


On a slightly off note, some kid kept standing way too close to me in line at Ted Drewes. It was odd... I didn't get a real good look at his face, but I'm pretty sure I've seen him hanging around the library a few times. I don't know... if he recognized me he certainly didn't let on much. Meh. Whatever.

Until next time, all.

Don't Sit Through The Credits. It's Just The Dog On The Cannibal Throne...

I feel it obvious that there is something fundamentally wrong with one's life when one finds oneself sitting down to one's computer with a breakfast of fruit leather and diet cream soda at 3 o'clock in the afternoon.

On the note of food, I went to Outback after seeing Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest last night (notes on movie to follow), and had a near-holy experience through the consumption of my first steak in upwards of the last six months. 8 ounce, rare sirloin, served with a respectable house salad and a slightly ugly, but almost breathtaking tasty, sweet potato. There are only two ills I have to speak. One, the cups are on the small side and so I was getting refills of water just about every five minutes, which can be a little bothersome. Two, the Awesome Blossom my two 18yr-old cohorts and I split was certainly no great fire. Indeed, it was greasy and had little flavor.

Hm, speaking of my cohorts...
Pat and I discovered during dinner that not only had Aarthi never eaten a steak before (my Texan heart aches), but she didn't even have the slightest idea of how to effectively hold a knife and fork while cutting said steak. We just take these things for granted, you know? Weird. But she was a willing student and did right well in the end.

So, yes!
PIRATES!



This movie has got to be the best of the summer. You've got sword fights, romance, adventure, violence, impeccable comedy, awesome stunts, and a cliff-hanger ending that does a second film in a trilogy proud.

And anyway, you've got a hottie factor that's through the roof. I mean, Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, AND *dreamy sigh* Keira Knightley. Now, Johnny Depp is a legend of hotness and Bloom is something of a newer, shinier version, but I'm afraid that Keira's gotta take the cake here. Do take a moment to admire the beauty:



Now, personally, I liked her even better dressed as a young pirate guy... But I couldn't find a good photo of that. Plus, this one is quite fantastical.

Wow... I've spent too much time on this post and real life is calling.

Have a good day, all.

Thoughts at 5AM

ok... so it's actually more like 5:21

but what the hell ever

^_^

In the spirit of tying up loose ends, I'd like to say that my paper was finished on time, in full, and is currently in the hands of my professor, awaiting judgement. I actually had a real good time writing the paper once I got myself to finally focus in on it. It was basically just visual analysis with a dash of history and a touch of need-to-know terms. It should get a pretty good grade, I think. Assuming that, one, the final read-though I did at 6:45 in the morning didn't miss something huge, and two, that I'm not just completely ignorant.

I will allow you all to withhold judgement on that second point until I get a grade back...



So I'll be going back home pretty soon. Just seven days and about 12 hours. I can't believe that this past week is already over. It's times like these, times when a whole week passes without me really noticing, that I start to worry that I'm gonna wake up one morning and realize that it's not just weeks that are passing me by, but years.

Dammit, I'm 19; I have no reason to feel the pull of my own mortality like this.

But it's not death I fear. Simply.... missed opportunities, wasted potentials. Both of which inevitably come with time.



So what does one do when awake at 5:30 in the morning???
If at home, I'd probably be playing Zelda right about now... but I didn't bring my system for summer session.
Could check out what's on tv... the floor common room is like 10 ft from my room and is, of course, currently empty.
...


Anyway.... TIME FOR A PUPLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!!!

Do You Like Ice Cream??
Are You Going To Be In The St. Louis Area On July 11th??

If your answers are yes, then you are whole-heartedly invited to stop by Ben and Jerry's on the Delmar loop. If you make any purchase on the 11th, between the hours of 7 and 10 pm, part of the profit will go to one of Washington University's student groups, the Alternative Lifestyle Association. This group is dedicated to supporting and educating people about alternative lifestyle choices. Consider this a personal invitation from me, the group's incoming treasurer for Fall 2006.

Here's the address and phone number (Dude, they deliver!):
Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream
6380 Delmar Blvd
St Louis MO
314-721-8887

Thank you, and enjoy your ice cream.

You ever get the feeling...

You ever get the feeling you're being followed? You know, watched??

Ok, ok, so I know what you're thinking: "Mysti's gone all paranoid again. Great."

But seriously... I haven't been able to fully shake the feeling for the last few days. It started when I went and saw the 4th of July concert and fireworks at the arch. But that, at least, made some sense. I mean, there were tons of people under and around the arch that evening and thus, feeling as if someone could be watching me was no stretch for my imagination. When the feeling passed later that night I thought that would be the end of it, but I'm not so sure anymore...

God, I am getting paranoid.

I mean, just today I could have sworn that...

Oh never mind.

I need to finish my art history paper anyway. It's due tomorrow.... You know, that's probably all it is; stress from having this paper hanging over my head for the last week is making me loopy. Bah! That's it; tomorrow after my class I'm gonna track down a friend of mine who's supposed to be on campus for an ArtSci weekend and I'm gonna get him to wander off campus with me with the promise of a meal on my tab. Hm... I can hear Bread Co calling our names already. And Lord knows Lucas won't pass on a free meal.

In other news, Aarthi's plight to save the world twelve causes at a time seems to be continuing as haphazardly as ever. I mean, don't get me wrong, I admire her spirit, but she needs to focus her energies on something she can actually accomplish. I learned today that she's evidently gotten the email of some guy who has something to do with tearing down all of WashU's older freshman dorms. I told her today like I told her before, Ligget's a dead issue; the thing's coming down whether she likes it or not. If she was smart (aka, listened to me) she would switch her focus to saving the next dorm on the list to go down. But alas, BRICK WALL.

...

Damn paper...

I should get on that.
Good day, all.

Memento Mori

Every bouquet of flowers will die
From every dream will we awaken
Capture your moments, frozen on film
On razor's edge all is forsaken

Speak'st Death forever clear:
Et in Arcadia ego

THE BEST SMOOTHIE EVER!andthink twice, then post

In making it back to my room today following my art history class and some much-needed time under the Scotch Elm outside of Brookings, I was hit with a sudden desire. A desire, I say, for a smoothie!

And nothing so bland and prepackaged as a Hilltop Bakery smoothie. Oh no no. I'm talking all real, fresh fruit, all real fruit juice, and milk fresh from the carton.

...

Ok, so maybe the milk part isn't so exciting...

The point is, I made my own smoothie (thank you, Dallas, for the continued existence of your blender in my room), and .it. .was. .amazing. I just sort of threw in some items i thought might work and it ended up turning out wonderfully.

You know you want to try this. So here are the ingredients.

Berry Extraordinaire
2 fresh bananas
1 handfull fresh blackberries
1 handfull fresh strawberries
1/3 can Berry Juicy Juice non-frozen concentrate
1 pint 2% milk

Blend on highest setting for 30-ish seconds. Serves two.


Hm... I was considering finishing my post today with some notes on my distaste for vaguely pointed self-righteousness in pubilc settings...
Then I realized I couldn't trust myself with doing so without being self-righteous in a vaguely pointed way that would then be open for the public to read
lol
As such, I say live and let live, and may we all find a happier tomorrow.

Ties That Bind

It's nice to have something left to hold on to when you and a loved one must temporarily part ways. It's tangible. Reassuring in a way that's not really all that logical...
I suppose it IS the thought that counts, after all.
And for me, personally, it keeps the memories of time spent together in the realm of reality, disallowing them to fade as if from some pleasant but short-lived dream sequence.

Anyway, much to my happy surprise, not only did my love leave me with a mix cd, but he also quite literally left me with the ties that bind.



I love the duality of such ideas.

Now I've just got to pull a paper out of /almost/ nowhere in the next four days and I'll be golden. WOOHOO!




I'm really really happy. Like.... surprisingly so. I mean, it was so hard to let him go, and I cried in doing so. But wow. Looking back... I'm just so glad to have him in my life, and I can't wait to see him again.


^_^

at last

I happened to catch sight of a flash of silent lightening just now from the corner of my eye. I seriously lept onto my bed, drew up the blinds and stared out, waiting for it to return, praying I hadn't been mistaken. It's just so beautiful when it's like this... silent... yet immensely powerful. Pure poetry. Oh, and the rain to come.... hehehe!

I don't know if you have any idea how happy this makes me or if you're able to understand why. It doesn't really matter.... The point is, tho, a storm's moving in, and I'm thanking the heavens in every sense of the word.


*huge child-like smile*


Storm's coming. Time to play.

now it's done

So I'm back from the bowels of art hell, so to speak. Though it wasn't so bad. Of course, my hand kept cramping up and I know I got a date or three wrong, but these things just are.

I think I did pretty well over all... Though I'll never let that idea sit comfortably until I see a grade. Another one of those things that just is.

There's just one thing that really bothers me.

I had to memorize 75 works of art AND THEN ONLY GOT CREDIT FOR KNOWING ABOUT 10 OF THEM!!!
....this is not acceptable....
And it's not as if the work I put into it was avoidable. I mean, I had no way of knowing which 10 works would end up on the test. So, in effect, I had to do 7.5 times the work that I'll be recognized for and there's not a damn thing to be done about it.

Ugh, I'm such a dork. But I like to show off what I know when I can.

And, of course, I'll probably only remember a quarter of all this by next week.
Easy come, easy go. Tho I did study on and off for a few days, and major hardcore last night....

Bah! Whatever. I'm going to sleep.

Good day all.

test in t minus 66 minutes

So never mind the fact that I've pretty much given up on holding a normal sleeping schedule. Never mind that I'm loaded with images, names, dates, and artists for about 75 works of western art from prehistoric to gothic. Never mind that all my preoccupations have all been tinged by the bright colors of unearthed frescos, the sleek lines of Egyptian relief sculpures, and the bright light of stained glass from Gothic cathedrals. All that matters now, all it's come down to is that test. That mighty exam!!

I will go in a brave warrior, and may the Lord grant me the strength to emerge with, if nothing else, my dignity intact.

I present this post as a pious mesopotamian may have once presented the Warka Vase (3100 BC) to the goddess Inanna. In hope of favor. In hope of blessing.

Perhaps I'm making my sacrifice to some mighty art goddess... one who likes to read blogs........ and... um...... stuff.

^_^



And, in other news, the forecast says stormy skies are on their way. Here's hoping that when it rains it pours. <3

Thoughts on Sunday

See, this is just how it goes. If nothing really awesome or important comes along, I do nothing on Sundays. I basically live in my room for the day reading, listening to music, and doing any homework I have. Monday through Friday you'll find my door open whenever I'm in. Sunday? Not a chance. Tho I will answer if you knock..... usually. ^_^

To put it simply, Sunday is my reserved antisocial day. Gotta love it.

That's really all I have to say on the subject, so in order to fill out this post a bit I'm going to dedicate the end of the post to one of my favorite movies, eXistenZ, a 1999 psychological thriller/science fiction film by Canadian director David Cronenberg.



The following are lifted portions of Wikipedia's eXistenZ entry

The story is based on the confusion between reality and virtual reality as the characters move in and out of a quasi-organic role-playing computer game called eXistenZ, the aim of which is unknown. The players are linked to the virtual world of the game by a console that resembles a living lump of animal tissue which is connected to the player's nervous system through a 'bio-port' drilled in the player's lower back.

The virtual world of the game features many aspects of traditional video games, particularly graphical adventure games of the 1980s and early 1990s. Some of these are explicit, such as the repetitive "loops" of actions that minor characters perform, or the need to provide certain trigger phrases to make progress possible. There are many other references that are more subtle, for example the sparsely populated nature of the game world and the physical proximity of certain locations for no sensible reason (e.g., a Chinese restaurant next to a fish processing factory in thick forest). Another trait repeatedly used is the tendency of characters within the game to perform certain actions to quickly establish their personality which, presented in a more real world, make no sense.

The film calls into question the nature of reality and how to discern between reality and illusion. It also raises ethical issues surrounding the distortion of reality and how it might equate to psychosis for those who become psychologically absorbed into their virtual roles as characters within a game. The film portrays the emotional reasons for the popularity of video games, and explores the theoretical issues of self-reflexivity and absorption of a game player for the sake of entertainment.

I seriously love this movie. If you've never seen it, remedy that quickly. Things just aren't what they seem, right to the end; you're gonna love it.

Oh yeah, and it stars Jude Law. How can you pass that up??

2 for the price of 1orClark Kent Wears the Glasses

So, evidently, upon taking off my glasses I take on the appearance of a whole other person. Hm... I like this idea. Let's study this visually, shall we?

Without Glasses vs With



AGAIN!!!

Without Glasses vs With



AND A FISH FAAAAAAACE!!!!!!


...just had 2 throw that one in there...


So what do you think???

again with the asphyxiation

I went to see the movie, Cars, today with a few friends. It was cute and funny and beautifully animated (and inspired me to buy Rascal Flats' "Life is a Highway" on iTunes when I got back to my room), but none of that is really the point.

The part I really found interesting (and post-worthy, it seems) happened at some time before the movie actually started. We were sitting there, watching the previews, I believe, when I heard (or thought I heard, who knows) something very strange. It sounded like the slow release of pressurized gas. Tho this only lasted for a second (and a half?), it seemed time enough for something in my head to concoct the idea that we had all been sealed in the movie theatre, expecting another wonderful treat from the minds of Disney and Pixar, only to be gassed like a North Carolina death-row inmate in 1958.


Now, my dear friends, I am no stranger to passing paranoid thoughts, but this one seems to be the first of it's kind in any recent memory. Upon hearing the sound, I automatically looked around a bit to find its source. I found only that I could see none and that no one around me seemed to have even heard the sound. Perhaps I should have asked if my friends had heard anything. (But do I really want to know??) It seems quite possible that there was no such noise, at least as I thought I heard it. It was a soft kind of sound... maybe I misheard something else that would have been utterly explainable.

Either way, tho, I'm not worried. It's not like I believed that we were actually being gassed. Not even in that moment. Some part of me did, sure, but I know that part was merely acting off of an instant creation of a fantastic situation, given life by way of a fertile imagination and a recent, slight preoccupation with asphyxiation.

Wow... I sound crazy, don't I? Lol. Well do not worry, my friends; after all, real crazy people don't know they're crazy.

And on that note...

analyze that

let me fall
let me cry
let me breathe
but most of all
let me love

heat, suffocation, and malaise pt2

Alright, so I'm feeling much better now. I went out and walked around the S40 a bit, bright tunes paving the way by way of my pocketed iPod (...what kind of product calls itself an iPod, anyway... but hell, they must have done something right...) Then, in preparation for my party-ish thing tonight (which I'm worried won't get off the ground much, as most people only said they "might" show), I walked down to Schnucks with a couple of friends to pick up provisions. Then we shuttled back to campus just in time for the BBQ that the summer session RAs organized for us. It was kind of a sad turn-out as it began raining right around the time the thing was starting, but we stopped by nonetheless, grabbed a free hot dog, and went about our merry ways. Thus I am back here in my room, contemplating my plans for the rest of the afternoon and thinking that I really ought to review the stuff we went over this week in my art history class.

But none of that is really the point of this post...
So yes, I left off in mentioning that I had had an interesting set of thoughts while in the shower earlier.
But before I pick up there- *runs to get a diet A&W Cream Soda (faaaaaaaaavorite)*- Ah diet cream soda, how I love thee...

oh...

yeah...

So after I was through with the actual bathing part of my shower, I slowly turned the single knob in the shower toward the "hot" end until I could not stand the water to be any hotter and then I just stood there allowing the
heat to envelop me (and give my skin a reddish glow). It's a great feeling to have hot water running down your body and to breathe in the warm steam. There's something very relaxing about breathing in steam... Though I've also found that it gives me the feeling of being slowly suffocated. I realized this after standing like that for only a minute or two, realized that I felt as if I wasn't quite getting the right amount of oxygen. But there was something satisfying about that as well and so I stayed like that for another 5 minutes or so, watching my skin take on that heated glow, breathing in the thick air, and just thinking.

I wonder why I'm comforted by something that reminds me of suffocation. I wonder why I enjoy making the water so hot I can only just handle it. I wonder at the lines between pain and pleasure, as I have before, and worry once more that I'm redrawing my personal lines in a way I may one day regret. I'd never really hurt myself... I'd think not anyway... but what happens if I lose sight of what helps and what hurts?

blaaaaaaaah

These are not thoughts I should dwell on much, I feel. But it just seemed.... interesting, so I thought I'd share.


just keep breathing, eh?
<3 all

heat, suffocation, and malaise

whoa... the title of this post is taking me back to days I'd rather not revisit...

but anyway, here's the scoop:
in waking up this morning I found a certain something lacking. the desire to live, one may say. (but not in any "i wish i was dead" sort of way. certainly not. just more of a "i don't want to put in the effort it takes to go find a piece of happiness" sort of way.

i find that in times like these it's not that life sucks, it's not that the world is somehow against me (*gasp* how dare I defy the teenage angst standby?!?), it is that I am simply unmotivated to search out and/or seize something that would carry me away from my feelings of malcontent.

basically, in these times, I've gotten tired of playing the game (and not "the game," which I have now lost, of course, but the game of life), and need a bit of a jumpstart.

my jumpstart came from Adam, who I called at noon his time (waking him up, of course). he listened to my mini-ranting about how I was feeling and then made me promise to go outside (and I will, I will. just let me get this post out. you know I can't do anything when I'm feeling the pull to post). thank you, darling; if you hadn't made me promise I might still be in bed right now... somehow that might be all I needed, just him telling me to go outside.

I was going to share with you, my readers, some of the thoughts I had while standing in the shower just a few minutes ago. but as I feel that I really ought to step into the light of day before too much more time passes, I will leave this to be continued later in the day.

farewell 4 now

so what's the count up to now??

I can't remember if it's 5 or 6...
(only one person in the world knows what I'm talking about here. don't sweat it if you don't)


On to the point!
So, Sarah McLachlan's Possession is currently stuck in my head, and thus, I have made the point to listen to it a number of times as of late. In fact, it is playing as I type (I seem to be consistantly playing music lately, but this song, above others, strikes something ever so perfect right now.) The full lyrics are:

Listen as the wind blows
From across the great divide
Voices trapped in yearning
Memories trapped in time
The night is my companion
And solitude my guide
Would I spend forever here,
and not be satisfied?

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

Through this world I stumble
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
to find the truth enslaved
Oh, you speak to me in riddles
and you speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I
wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes, dear

Into this night I wander
It's morning that I dread
Another day of knowing of
The path I fear to tread
Oh, into the sea of waking dreams
I follow without pride
Cause nothing stands between us here
And I won't be denied

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear
I'll hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I
Wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes

I've loved this song ever since a then-good friend of mine put it on her MySpace page a year or so ago (something like that). The song is seriously just beautiful, musically, poetically and in sentiment. But now and in my current romantic situation, this song speaks to a sense of love and longing within myself as it never has before.

If you don't own this song... tisk tisk tisk... get it now. Hell, I'll give it to you.

Keep looking up, all.

the sweet suite of mysti skyeandsomeone once told me that sleep trumps sex... so where does romance fall?

This post comes to you good people from the head of my bed and beneath a craftily-created canopy of twinkle lights. It's wonderful and all thanks to a good length of ethernet cord and supplies via Dallas.

I would like to take this moment to consider the number of items which are currently making my room quite snazzy and are not actually mine. So here's a list:
-1 strand twinkle lights (blue-taped and draped from the lofted extra bed that L's with mine)
-2 clip lamps (one w/standard white bulb for illumination purposes and one with a "stained-glass" bulb for warmth and color)
-1 purple flat sheet and 8 small throw pillows to make the lower extra bed into a welcoming place to sit and relax (though the idea has recently been presented to me that since the bed is set pretty low, the amount of exposed bed-post would be good for tying someone down as well)
-and 1 toaster oven (which I might never use, but hey, I have it)

Yes yes. All this snazzy hominess and hardly anyone to show it off to. I'm looking into having some sort of fun-filled gathering in here this weekend, but who knows how it will turn out.

It's kind of interesting when some people come in, the ones who worry they are imposing on me by stepping in for more than a minute, the ones who perhaps think that I do not want them there. In all honesty, I absolutely love it when people drop by, even if they have nothing interesting to say or anything. Sometimes I just like to be. To exist in a room with someone, knowing the the company is welcome on both sides without a strong need for entertaining activities or conversation. And of course the wonderful thing here is that I can, at any moment, ask anyone and everyone to leave if I so desire. Did I mention I LOVE this whole having a room (not to mention a suite) all to myself?


Ugh! I'm sooooo tired. My sleep patterns are still fucked up. Last night a very.... interesting conversation with Adam kept me up later than I expected, and then despite the fact that I had been tired all afternoon and hadn't even napped that day, I once again found myself awakening time and again during the night and once again ended up getting up before my alarm was to go off.

So here I sit on my bed, dead tired and in my sleep-wear. I could go to sleep right now... and maybe I should, but I'm sort of hoping Adam will call, and thus... This is not the sort of hope that is born out of anything substantial, such as a promise that he would call tonight or something like that; it is, instead, the lovechild of romantic mental inclinations and a kind of loneliness that only strong embraces from the right person can cure.

Perhaps as some sort of compromise I could fall asleep with the phone near my head so that it would wake me if he did call.

I just really like to hear his voice before I call it a night, you know?

...

Oh Lord in Heaven, someone just hit me over the head with something reasonably sized and weighty, eh?

And on that note...

Prince Beheaded

I knew Prince Hall was coming down this summer, but when I arrived on campus this past Sunday and saw the huge hole where I had had class a mere month ago, I was totally floored. Gone. Just like that. The history, the detailed and intimate architecture... gone. Evidently the building was not worth the immense trouble it would take to update it and so, down it went.

I'm not really sure where I stand on the issue. Not that it's really an issue anymore, as the building is no more than rubble now. But, I mean, the building was beautiful and full of an irreplaceable history (and perhaps a ghost or two, as it is rumored). And yet... I must admit that the inside was not wholly practical for use as classroom and office space. I will say conclusively, tho, that I mourn the loss along with many fellow students and St. Louis residents.

Rest in peace, dear Prince.

insomnia

So, if I am correct (as I'm sure I am) there are two forms of insomnia: not being able to get to sleep and not being able to stay asleep. I seem to be suffering from the latter.

Night before last wasn't too bad; I only woke up once about an hour before I actually needed to get up. Last night, however, was a whole helluva lot worse. I woke up so many times that I lost count and so finally when 6:30 rolled around I said fuck it, got up, and took a shower. It is now just after 8, the time I had wanted to awaken in the first place. Probably going to be tired as fuck later on this evening. Blaaaaaaah.

I'm almost tempted to go out and buy some sort of otc sleep aids. I generally avoid taking pills... but I do enjoy sleep... huh...



So... yeah...

Anyway, awesome news!

I have a whole suite in Elliot all to myself for the next five weeks!! Woohoo! And I'm paying simply for a double room. Extra woohoo! ^_^


Note of importance:
I'm lonely, SO COME VISIT ME!!

And with that, I'm done for now.

Onward and upward all, and I'm off to breakfast!

the great escape

some home's great and all

really

and so is having nothing better to do than starting and finishing two different rpgs

but lord in heaven I need to escape

and now it's all set. I'm due to be back in st.louis on the 11th of this month, SO COME SEE ME! if you are so inclined

looking forward to seeing those of you that I know will be around. no... really really. home is lonely compared to campus. even compared to summer on campus.

(side note: my mom is leaning over my shoulder as I type and won't leave me be. she is silly. and a little annoying. that's 4 u momma.)

so yeah, I'm currently sitting in a waiting room at the MD Anderson Cancer Center. For those of you who don't know, my mom has leukemia (specifically CLL) and is getting tests done. so here I am both providing welcome company to my insane (and "bored" says she) mother and taking advantage of free wireless. woo-hoo!

but more to my point...

my escape is all set and well payed for and all that's left is a few days of waiting. and the best (or at least most exciting) part of all this, of course, is that I am expecting a visit from my latest obsession while I am in St. Louis. I can't even tell you the extent to which I am psyched about getting to see him again. Well... I could try... but I think I'll pass. It's better to just sit here and wallow in it.

*takes a moment to day dream wistfully*

ah, yes, so...

With that on my mind, this wait will seem an eternity.



ok, now, totally off topic! yay!
I'm thiniking of adding to the rose tatoo on my back. I welcome suggestions from all who have seen the tat and might have an idea.

also off topic... my dad got his tongue pierced. isn't that odd. but then he left it out for a few days and forgot about it and it closed, so... But for a while there, me, my mom, and my dad all had our tongues pierced. Done at totally different times, sure, but still suggestive of some sort of strange bonding. huh.... At least I was the first. I have that.


and so I will depart
until next time, all
keep looking up






(i miss you adam)